Snapper

A New Year to begin

2008-01-11T09:12:00.000-08:00

What a month. So many times I wanted to write a follow up to my last post. I had a whole story in mind, with photos and layouts. However, I just couldn't. Now that I'm in a better place, it just seems...not the right time, somehow.

My Uncle passed away December 17, the day after I last blogged. He was peaceful and that was in no small part because of the talk we had. After I left that day, he fell into a coma and he slipped away just before noon on the Monday.

I thought I was ok with it all. However, in retrospect, I wasn't. I was angry, guilty, frustrated and most of all, terribly sad. I wanted so badly to hear his voice again. I wanted to be able to ask questions. I didn't realize at the time how emotional it was to be with someone in their final hours. When other family members would mumble 'huh, that's sad' or other similar condolences, I would get angry as I didn't have the words to tell them how much it affected me. And at the same time, not to make it about me. So I 'turtled'. Went right back into my cave and stopped communicating for a bit. I think over the last year, it's been very strenuous emotionally and I just cracked. Thankfully, that's passed now.

So, onto other things, it's a new year - 2008. A good friend of mine wrote this morning about the new year -

According to numerology everything goes in cycles, if you take the year 2007
and add the digits break it down to one digit, your end number is 9...the end of
a cycle, which for me explains a lot about my 2007. It also lends more
understanding as to why for some of us 2008 truly seems like a new
beginning..broken down it is a "1" the beginning of a new cycle.

All the more reason to lay down some solid foundations this year,
sow some very important seeds and see what this cycle brings. I for one am
pretty excited as my mind is already buzzing and whirling with thoughts and
revolutionary ideas...so as they say it great to have dreams...but this is the
year to start building the foundations that in the long run will support
them...

I hope so. I have such high hopes for this year.

So far, I have joined a Photo A Day project. You can read about it here. I will begin posting a photo on Flickr. And I intend, once again, to post more here as well. A lot of family history stories, likely. Lately I have been drawn to a lot of historical fiction as well, so that may come into play too.

An interesting blog, for example, that's caught my interest lately is this one. It's the story of a WWI soldier writing home to his family. Not unlike the letters I have in my possession, but unfortunately I don't have enough preservered to keep up a story like the one in that blog.

The photo above was taken by my house just after Christmas. A beautiful area, and I could spend many hours - and have - creating photographs there.

So for those of your reading this, may 2008 be a great year for you.

Full Circle

2007-12-16T20:10:00.000-08:00

It's interesting some times how the universe makes things happen in certain ways. How certain situations present themselves in a way you could never have expected.

Our family, like many families, has had some difficult times. I grew up knowing my four aunts, but there were two uncles in the family that I knew nothing about. Sure, there were twitterings and comments but they were a mystery to me.

My older uncle, I knew, had quite a few children and an Irish wife who was the first war bride to arrive in Canada after World War 2. They lived only a mile or so away but we didn't know them or see them. I grew up wishing I had cousins my own age, and always wondered about who they were. Later, as I did the family research and found more questions than answers, I felt even more that part of who I am was missing from my life.

There were moments when we'd catch a glimpse of them, and even a couple of confusing visits - usually on Christmas after a few drinks when my Mom or one of her sisters decided it was time for me to meet them but by and large, I never knew who they were.

My younger uncle was even more intriguing to me. He had left the family fold when I was just 8, but was old enough to remember him. He had a wife and three children. Three children who were my age and again, I always missed them terribly. There were 'sightings' over the years...a random comment to friend of my mothers on a bus from whom would have been my cousin, a quick glimpse on a ferry sometime in the mid-80s. I asked my Mom so many times where they were or if she knew anything. It always made her sad for me to ask, and she would wistfully say she knew nothing. However, I knew it wasn't without issue and there were more than a few dark reasons why he had left.

In 2001, I received an email from R. He was my younger uncle's youngest son and had been looking at a family tree site and found my information. At first, his Dad asked him not to contact me. 'Too much water under the bridge', 'Let sleeping dogs lie', he told his son. But R. thankfully - as I would have done too - didn't listen. When he emailed, he was pensive. I knew our family. He however did not. While I remembered them as an 8 year old girl, he remembered nothing except toddler-like glimpses of a long ago time.

We organized a reunion soon after and the sisters got to meet their little brother. To be in that house that day, to see the look on everyone's face, was a rare privilege and one I won't soon forget. For the next year, we saw each other quite a few times. But then things began to fade again. We both fell back into the old ways. We knew where each other was but we just seemed to take it for granted.

In the summer, I received a call from my Aunt J. Uncle T was sick. They'd found malignant tumours in his colon. It didn't look good at all. I planned to visit, but it was hard for me to get away as they lived in Victoria. When the surgery happened, it turned out better than expected and he was rallying, I let it go. We received email updates though, as he continued with his treatments. The day he turned 65, back in September, he was told the worst was behind him.

Meanwhile, I had regained contact with the family of my elder Uncle. We had begun rebuilding the relationships that should have begun years ago. I had visited my cousins and it was like putting a jig-saw puzzle back into place with a piece that had been missing from the box. When the group of us was together, the bond was so strong and so right that each time it was like my soul had just drank a Red Bull.

However, again, the dark secrets still held power over us and we took things slowly. One night, one of my cousins - the one closest in age and personality to me - gained the courage to tell me what the rift had been about. It was a shocking admission and one I'm not prepared to talk about publicly, but it was like releasing a heavy burden I had no idea I was carrying. Once it was out, we began to truly become a family again.

My cousin M asked me to come to her house for Christmas dinner. But I felt awkward. While she and I were close, and the other female cousins too, I didn't know how I'd feel attending her family dinner with the entire group together. Would I be intruding? It was also a ferry ride away in Victoria. So I declined. I told her I felt she and I needed more time to talk one on one before I met the entire family.

On Thursday, I received a call that broke my heart. It was from my Uncle T's wife. He was not doing well. He had been taken to palliative care and wasn't expected to see Christmas. And he'd asked for me.

So yesterday, I made the trip to Victoria. It was the first time for me to take that trip in over a decade. It meant giving up concert tickets to Bon Jovi and conquering a fear of driving where I didn't know where I was going. But I knew how important it was. My mom and the other sisters are no longer able to travel. So not only was I going for me, I was going for my entire family.

As I walked in the door of his room, his eyes lit up and his smile warmed my heart. We spent 6 hours together. When I saw him, he was strong sprited and fiesty. His humour was infectious and we laughed, and talked without catching a breath all day. Gone was the mysterious man who left the family many years ago, and replaced was a wonderful, genuine, warm-hearted man that I'd always hoped and knew somehow he would be.

There were so many stories. So many things to discuss. So many fences to mend. But as the day progressed, we did it justice. It is a day I will cherish always.

I had decided to visit Cousin M for dinner as well. After declining the dinner, the fates had seen differently and I now knew I was supposed to meet this 'other branch'. As Uncle T began to tire near the end of our visit, he was at peace and was buoyed by the fact that I would be visiting his brother's family. A family he hadn't seen himself since the early 60s.

After leaving, I made my way over to my cousin M's. While the majority of the guests were people I'd never met, I felt as if I'd walked into a home I'd been in all my life.

They knew I'd had an emotional day but met me with just the right mix of empathy and lightheartedness that I soon was smiling and laughing along with them.

I met the rest of the girls, and can't say enough about how much I feel like something has clicked back in place. It is an odd but rewarding feeling to feel reconnected to people you knew you were missing but didn't know why. The drama and the issues of the past are firmly where they need to be - in the past. As we spoke last night, we made a pact to rise above. It only has power if we let it and the strength of this family simply won't allow that. The fact that our bond is so strong even without the shared memories speaks to how important our family connection is.

I was meant to have that day yesterday. To reunite with my Mom's two brothers' families. I had no idea it would come together like it did, but I believe fate had a hand in making it happen. As I held my Cousin M's baby, I knew we had come full circle.

Sadly, my Uncle T passed into a coma a few hours after I left. He still lingers but it won't be long now until he passes into the next world. However, I know he does so in peace. And I know he'll never be too far away from me, or the rest of his family.

Friday Thought

2007-11-23T09:13:00.000-08:00

This photo was taken at dusk a few nights ago.

Resolve to keep happy, and your joy

and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties

- Helen Keller.

Time flies

2007-11-22T08:42:00.000-08:00

Where has the time gone? Has it really been the better part of two months since I've blogged? Well, apparently it has. Some of that is self-imposed, some of it is just plain life getting in the way.

I've wondered often whether to continue my blog or what direction to take. Some times I think my time in the blogging world is ending, but at the same time, I know deeply that I have the need to write. And write somewhere that has interaction.

So the last two months, in a nutshell of course, have entailed a lot of healing. Pelvis cracks are not as fun as they sound. As the doctor said, it's the one part of your body you simply can't take the pressure off of. If you're sitting, or standing, or laying down, there is strain on your pelvis. Turns out in subsequent xrays, I had not one but two cracks. Cracks, mind you, not actual breaks. But that's still more than I'd like to deal with ever again.

The facial laceration seems to have ended up being somewhat more serious than first thought. I have some paralysis and muscle damage. Cosmetically, it's barely noticeable (but of course I notice it) but the concern is more 'structural'. The muscles and nerves around my eye are misfiring, causing me to have double - sometimes blurry - vision and aches. I see the neurosurgeon on January 21. Pretty quick for a specialist.

Along with that, there have been the expected back and neck pain. Almost an afterthought, but I'd have been surprised with the magnitude of the accident if it hadn't of been. I have taken to walking with my camera when I feel up to it, and still it brings me peace to be able to get out and create photographs. The one above was taken by my house just as a big storm was coming in over the straight.

This has overall been a positive event. Sure, getting hit by a bus isn't everyone's first choice in life, but it has really given me pause. I am finding out what's truly important and what isn't. And I'm not afraid to let go of what isn't.

My last post was right after the high school reunion on September 29. What a night! A full year of planning - we often joked it was like planning a wedding except we made our guests pay for tickets! In the end, 155 people attended and the parties went on until 6am.

It was a life-changing event for me. I refound friends whom I drifted away from for reasons unknown. I became friends with new people that I barely knew in school, yet now found many similarities and new ground.

The photo above is of three of us from the planning committee - and I'm on the right in case you're wondering. There were 6 of us in total. A good group. Although the varied personalities certainly brought challenges to the planning. But all in all, it was an amazing event.

My job also has become very fulfilling. It was the best move I could have made to change jobs, and I'm finding myself building roots - something I haven't done for a few years. It's calming, it's energizing and it's exactly what I need right now.

This is a photo from my office. You see in the photo the Harbour Centre, one of Vancouver's premiere landmarks.

My other main activity of late, besides the photography, has been historical research. Could it be I'm nearly ready to write this novel that's been floating around in my head? If not, I am surely more educated about the Irish history between 1919-1923 than I ever thought I would be.

So that's my nutshell. Cracked open and ready to begin again. I have been donig

Thankful

2007-10-07T12:08:00.000-07:00

Today is Thanksgiving, and a day to reflect on all the blessings this year. This time around, it's especially poignant as we celebrate the anniversary of my Dad's heart attack.

I thought in honour of that, I would mention a few things I am truly grateful for this year. It has been an extremely challenging year, but at the same time, those challenges have brought me to a place that would previously been unattainable.

I am thankful for the precious time with my parents. As they age and their health becomes more frail, I become increasingly aware of how important each and every moment is. One year ago today, we were on the side of a highway with my Dad in cardiac arrest. As I held onto him that night after calling 911, I truly thought it would be the last day. As he was lifted into the ambulance, I thought that would be the last time I would see him looking at me. That didn't happen. He came through his quintuple bypass and while he did not completely recover, he is with us and the family has become closer for it. My Mom's COPD has become more challenging. As we face the deterioration of her breathing, I am struck by how strong she is. She teaches me to greet challenges with a smile and to stay positive no matter what the situation.
I am thankful for reconnecting with my extended family. My cousins from both sides of the family. On my Mom's side, I have reconnected with my Mom's brother's daughters and there is a kinship there that goes beyond the similar physical features. When we are together, something feels like it clicks back into place. On my Dad's side, I am thrilled to have found my cousin, Jill. While we haven't had a chance to meet yet in person, I know the day will be come.
For a long time, I wished I had a sister. Having been the only daughter in a family of 5, I often longed for that kinship. I watched my Mom and her sisters and wanted that so badly. I now have that in my nieces. At 23 and 25, they have grown into amazing young women whom I'm proud to call my sisters. I've watched them grow up, helped them along the way, and now we are extremely close. Through the difficulties this last year has brought, it is these girls who have supported me and me them.
I am thankful I had the courage to leave a job that was emotionally draining me. A negative atmosphere that bred resentment, anger and fear. In less than a year, I felt myself becoming increasingly introverted and I knew during my trip to DC and NY earlier this year that I had to get away before those things became ingrained. I had never left a job in that manner before, and it took a lot to break myself of this situation. However, my new job has shown me that I made the right decision. I go to work happy now, and can't wait to return after a weekend.
I am thankful for taking a chance and becoming involved in my high school reunion planning. Through this experience, I was able to renew old friendships, release old hurts, and even begin new friendships. I did not have a positive experience in high school. It coloured a lot of my opinions but I found by taking a conscious step to let go of those old scars, I was able to allow myself to new beginnings. It is an amazing feeling to be able to come full circle. The friends I met through this experience are ones that I truly believe I will continue to have in my life.
I am thankful for my health. Two cancer scares this year made me reflect on the fragility of life. I had two procedures to remove the bad cells and had the all-clear about 4 weeks ago. Having the car accident has also changed me. I thought I knew how precious life was, but obviously, I need to spend more time remembering that. I am thankful to have that chance. The pelvis will heal, the scars will fade, but I will never forget how quickly life changes. I am thankful for that lesson.
I am thankful for my friends. When things get rough, to know you don't walk alone is so important. This year has allowed me to see my true friends for who they are and appreciate the fact I have them in my life.

On that, I wish you all a fantastic Thanksgiving!

Moving along

2007-09-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

I am healing, albeit slowly.

Today I went to work for the first time without the cane, which was a big improvement. However, tonight I am experiencing a lot of numbness and tingling in my lower legs and my arms. I don't know if it's related to walking without the cane or just a new progression, but I will likely have to have another visit to the doctor in the next couple of days.

I'm lucky to be alive, of that I have no doubt, but it doesn't stop from being a little frustrated by the healing process.

On Saturday though, my friends took me out to the local pub to celebrate my 30 and 4/5's birthday. I had an absolutely wonderful time and it was the perfect opportunity to relax and rewind a little. The picture is my niece and I.

Another short post, unfortunately, as I'm having a little trouble with the keyboard but hopefully the next one will be a little longer.

Orbs

2007-09-17T11:02:00.001-07:00

Do you believe in orbs?

I do. Maybe that's what makes me see something in this photo, and maybe not.

Since my accident, I have been feeling a very strong presence with me. I have been jokingly calling it my 'angel'.

Last night, I took this photo with a clean lens. I tried to recreate it several times, to no avail. Sure, it could be a dust spot, but the face is eerie.

A Challenging Summer

2007-09-13T10:11:00.000-07:00

So my intention was to take the summer off from blogging to clear my head, think of new avenues to write about and just simply take a break.

What happened? Well, I have had an extremely challenging summer. I am bound and determined not to be negative or down, so I would consider posting from time to time, and then think...let's wait a week until I can say something good. Unfortunately, that never happened.

Without further ado, I will just jump into the last couple months. No, it's not been fun, but ya gotta start somewhere, right?

In June, I started off with a cold. It wouldn't go away and by early July, I was in trouble. I endd up in hospital about mid-July with pneumonia. It was a brief hospitalization, followed by some time off work. At the time, it was hard to deal. I was sick, alone, and not able to really take care of myself all that well. I lost 11 lbs. in 2 weeks - and it was not the way to do it.

I was fortunate with my new job that they were very understanding. I tried hard to minimize my sick time and worked when I likely shouldn't have.

In the midst of this, I began to build some fantastic friendships with people through my reunion planning. This will be something I'll talk about more in future posts but in the meantime, it was frustrating to have these new friendships and having to decline all invites due to illness. I can only hope that if it is a true friendship, there will be future opportunities.

Towards the end of August, I began to feel back on my game. I was stronger, regained my energy and was looking forward to recapturing what summer I had lost. Two weeks ago, on August 31, I accepted an invitation to go see a professional football game downtown. Something I had never done before, but figured it would be a great experience and a fun time.

That night, many things changed. I was very nervous driving downtown - especially to an area I'd never been before. But I decided to push through it.

As I approached the stadium, I saw a parking lot and made my turn into it. Sadly, there was a transit bus in my blind spot. The impact was hard, and vicious, but for some small miracle, I do not remember it.

I was hit directly in the drivers door, and my 2002 Cabrio gave it's life for mine. It held up well to the transit bus, but did crumple badly. The door was pushed in approximately 8-10". Glass went everywhere from all windows and from what I understand from the estimator, the car took on a banana shape with even the passenger side bent.

To say I am lucky is an understatement. I had a guardian angel with me without a doubt.

I am injured, unfortunately but will heal. I do not remember the accident, nor the 5 minutes after. I lost consciousness for a length of time from hitting my head hard on the driver's side window as it shattered. When it did shatter, it cut my head and face badly. It took 17 stitches to close the wound on my forehead and a further 2 and 3 to close smaller cuts. I have other cuts that did not require stitching but will still scar. Thankfully, most of the cuts are above my eyebrow and will be covered by hair.

It did, however, cut the muscles and nerves so I will have some facial paralysis, including a droopy eye. The extent is too early to tell right now but I can do a great impresson of the WWE's 'The Rock'!

I am also dealing with a concussion and a cracked pelvis, which has me walking with a cane. Also some hematomas in my left thigh and calf that are causing swelling in my foot and ankle.

However, even with all this, I am struck by how incredibly fortunate I am. Everything happened in an instant and it just brings home how quickly life can change.

So that's where I am right now. I know it's been a while, but I figured I'd start with this post, and hopefully have happier posts going forward.

Canada Day

2007-07-04T09:57:00.000-07:00

Every year on Canada Day, our little area has the Salmon Festival. It's grown from a small community parade to one of the largest in Canada. It's 2-1/2 hours long and it starts about 5 mnutes from my house. This year was a little more special because the kids were able to come and enjoy it with me.

Our proud little Canadian was thrilled with the event. He has become obsessed with motorcycles of late. If there's any within visual distance, he will not listen to anyone or anything as he becomes fixated. So the parade was FULL of exciting moments for him and he was waving his flag like there was no tomorrow.

Steveston was founded by Japanese settlers and there's a long standing community spirit in the Japanese community. One of the best displays is this temple walk. It's believed that the spirits must hear loud chants from those carrying it, and it must be taken in a zig-zag route to ward off the bad spirits. It makes for a great moment in the parade and has most everyone chanting and yelling right along with them.

Of course, gotta love the bagpipes. One of my most favourite parts of Canada Day is waking up to the pipers as they get tuned up in time for the parade. This year, I got in very late Saturday night and they started at 7:30am but just hearing them put me in a great mood.

If I was in the market for a car right now, this would be it.

I am debating getting my hair cut. I haven't had it this long in years!

My little mini-me. If I'm taking photos, she has to be too. And I have to say she's got a great eye and the perspective from being just over 3 feet tall leads to some great shots.

Where to begin?

2007-07-03T09:18:00.000-07:00

I have been a bad blogger. It has been busy again...life never seems to slow down even for a second.

My brother had his double knee replacement operation two weeks ago. It should have been a 3-5 day hospital stay but due to quite a few unfortuante occurences, it ended up being just over 2 weeks. He only returned home this weekend. Most of his problems stem from human error - and that's the most frustrating. The tensor was put on too tight following his operation - it caused blisters and nerve damage. He is home now though and that's the main thing.

We've all been sick with bronchitis - my mom (which is very serious with her COPD), my dad (who has no immune system on top of everything else) and myself (but I'm trying hard to ignore it). It's been challenging but no point in dwelling on it. You do what you need to do and move on.

I haven't been able to go out on any photo shoots of late, which is starting to get to me a little. There are some beautiful old barns that I've been dying to capture, and an old half sunk fish boat that has been pulled out of the river and is on the banks. I'll get there one of these nights.

The reunion planning is in full steam and I'm spending a good 4 hours a day right now on organizing. It gets frustrating at times as I often feel like I'm the only one fully committed. On Sunday, I met up with the others in the group and was met with 'I haven't done a THING in the last month, have you?' Um, yeah. Lots. But bigger picture, right? It will get done and the sense of accomplishment will be worth it. Now if only I could find a photographer, I'd be happy.

So that's me in a nutshell...hope you are all well - and thank you Monica for checking up on me!

Decisions made

2007-05-28T17:58:00.000-07:00

What a rollercoaster couple of weeks, but I'm pleased to say it's finally starting to calm down.

First off, the move. It has been put on the back, back burner for now. There were many reasons for the decision. One being the location - I couldn't get what I was looking for and still remain a reasonable distance from my parents or my commute. In the end, looking at the big picture, I realized it was more important during these winter years with my parents to make the most of the time. I am only a 5 minute drive now from their house, but had I moved it would have increased to 25 minutes. That's a long time when things don't go as planned.

It also felt like every step of the decision of househunting was met with difficulty. Whether it was finding a realtor hungry enough to actually help and not hinder, or the timing, it just didn't seem right. I was told I was a C-Class Client by one just because I refused to sell my house first before looking for a new location. 'You can rent' he says, 'You're single'. That one comment lost him my business.

In the time I was looking, I got my house nearly ready for sale. Lots of clutter gone. Lots of cleaning and tidying. Standing back, I thought to myself, I have a beautiful home. Why would I want to leave it?

To add a few more wrinkles to the mix, my Dad received unfortunate news from the doctor. He has a compressed disc and the subsequent nerve damage does not look repairable. He can't take the medicines that could help because of the heart medications so he must learn to adjust. The left leg is very weak, and he often must use a cane to steady himself. It's not going to get better, and likely he'll find it more difficult in the future. He has really had a tough go of it since last October.

My brother is booked for his double knee replacement on June 18. He's only 49 but his knees are completely gone, from repeated injuries on the job over the years. They chose to do a double, but it's not an easy operation so the summer will be a little challenging for him.

As for me, I got my news back. The good news is that it's not spread. Happy Dance of Joy! The bad news is they must do another procedure at the end of July to get the rest. However, it's a quick thing and knowing what to expect, it's not that big of a deal.

Meanwhile, I know I've been missing updating here for a while now and hopefully that will change. For now, I've been heavily involved with Facebook. What a rush to connect with old friends you likely would never have again. I have been using it as a tool for the reunion committee but also for others. I was thrilled to find my old friends from 12-15 years ago, lost in the melee of my breakup with my ex. Not to mention, old coworkers from my past job where we lost contact after being laid off in a large group and not having chance to properly leave forwarding details. All in all, a wonderful experience.

The reunion itself is going well, albeit a bit slowly. I am a planner but others may not be to the same degree. At the end of the day, it will be a great event and these challenges we're facing now will be temporary.

And lastly, my job. Can I just say I LOVE my new job? I am so motivated, so challenged, so energerized it's a bit scary. I was given a new project to head today, only 7 weeks into the job. They seem to be very happy with my performance, and for the first time in two years, I leave work with the feeling I can't wait to get back there.

Real Estate Update

2007-05-15T08:54:00.001-07:00

So I was ready to offer last night and put my house on the market, but there was a catch. In the end, one I couldn't live with.

The townhouse complex I was interested in was 9 units. On the right, my neighbour was the Mom of the family and on the left was the Dad. The kids ran back between the houses several times while we were looking at it.

I had asked for the possibility of a gate for Molly The Wonder Collie. While they didn't deny me, they made it very clear that they were not impressed with the idea. The family wanted easy access to both the parents. Well, they can have that, but not with me there.

So it's back to Square 1. Or maybe Square 2. In any case, beautiful view and decor doesn't make a difference when you can't enjoy your backyard because of your neighbours.

In The Market

2007-05-10T18:33:00.000-07:00

A decision has been made. A big one.

I will be moving soon. I have decided for a variety of reasons it's time to change the residence. So I've been working with a few realtors and hopefully will have some news soon.

It won't be too far away. One of my requirements is that I am still close to the parents so any upcoming health issues won't be too taxing. However, it will be closer to my brothers and friends. There's an area that's half way between the two and that's the area I'm focussing on.

I'm excited and terrified at the same time. I love the idea of having a new home, and being able to decorate it and set it up. But I don't care for the idea of the actual move or the packing. Not to mention the actual stress of the sale.

It's been 7 years since I bought this place. It's been a great run, but it's time for some things to change.

Double Booked

2007-05-03T20:12:00.000-07:00

Two funerals on Saturday. A decision to make. I want to be at both...each person was a big part of my life during different eras...but I simply cannot be in two places at once.

Let me tell you about the first person. She was a friend of mine in high school, although I haven't kept in touch with her. Brenda passed away on April 9 after a length illness in Alberta. I didn't know she lived in Alberta, let alone that she was ill. Being part of the reunion committee, I had her on my list of people to contact. I wanted to talk to her again and was very much looking forward to it. I'd sent her an email about 6 weeks ago, and had received a read receipt but no answer.

Brenda and I went to junior and senior high school together. She was in my homeroom classes, and had the locker next to mine for the better part of 5 years. While she moved away in our final year, I had still very much considered her part of our class and hoped she'd consider coming to the reunion. She was always a friendly, happy person whom took great joy in her family. I remember when her niece was born, she was over the moon. The baby had been born premature though, and they were worried about her health but she did well. Thriving and leaving the hospital far sooner than expected.

I did a lot of things I'm not entirely proud of in high school, and one of those things was being fairly introverted. I picked and chose the times I'd be friendly, and I was very excitable in those days. So when Brenda moved away, I didn't keep in contact. I would think of her from time to time though but never did anything about it. That was a lot of the reason I wanted to be part of this reunion committee. Instead of meeting people with the focus of some sort of validation, I am reconnecting as the person I am now - not as I was then. It has been a fantastic experience so far and I've been enjoying meeting up with people in a way I hadn't expected.

When I opened the paper up on the weekend and saw Brenda's obit, I was sad. I wrote an email to her family and had been trying to figure out how I could attend her memorial service this weekend.

Then the phone rang this morning. My Mom's voice said simply 'Diane's gone'. I knew immediately who she meant, although I hadn't seen Diane in the better part of 4 years. Diane died of breast cancer on Monday.

In a time I don't often speak of, I had another life. I was with J for 10 years and while he and I split, one of the biggest voids in my life was all the friends and family I had on 'his' side when we were together.

J and I met when I was 17. We grew up together. We socialized together. His family took me in as their own. Then he and I grew apart and realized in the wedding planning stage that our life together was not meant to be. While I don't have anything to do with him, his mom made certain that I stayed in contact with her. She and his sister were insistent that breaking up with him did not mean breaking up with them. That was 12 years ago now and while I don't see the rest of the family any longer, I do still keep in close contact with his mom (whom I still refer to as my ex-MIL) and his sister. I keep updated on the family through them.

Diane was my ex-MIL's best friend. An amazing lady who raised four children of her own before taking on as many foster children as she could. She was strict and stern - a very no-nonsense lady, but her kids were raised with love. A lot of these foster children she raised were the worst cases, yet today every single one of them is successful and accomplished. Even after her husband and she divorced, she still took in more foster children and adopted more children of her own.

I can remember so many nights in her home, helping her with the babies. One in particular - a severe fetal alcohol syndrome case - could never settle and we would spend hours with that little girl walking up and down the halls. We would do crafts at her home, and she was the one who probably got me most into scrapbooking and pushed me into photography.

After J and I broke up, I didn't see Diane nearly as much as I used to. This is still one of the hardest things - losing the extended family and friends I had then. I would catch up with her in the mall now and then, or hear from ex-MIL how she was.

Three years ago, she found that lump we all fear. She battled fiercely, as fiercely as she had for the welfare of her children but in the end it wasn't enough. On Monday, she couldn't hold on any longer and passed away.

Her father - a crusty old man who would regail us with stories of firefighting and investigation from his nearly 50 years of experience - passed away just 3 days previous. He had said over and over that he couldn't outlive his daughter, and in the end he didn't. He was there to greet her in whatever afterworld we will find.

I phoned ex-MIL immediately, surprised at how emotional I got at the sound of her voice. Imagine my surprise when I heard they'd had an informal gathering the night before with the out of town family and my name came up. I was still remembered and still part of the family to them. Even after 12 years, they wanted to know where I was.

So on Saturday, while I'd love to be able to pay my respects to both, I will be going to Diane's memorial. It will not be easy. It's a part of my life that, while has it's wonderful memories, also has more than it's share of negative ones. I try and shut those out, but the fact remains that it was a very difficult time in my life. I will be seeing people whom know me as that person and not as the person I am now. However, for Diane, I will put that aside and I will be there for her and her family.

A Day At The Beach

2007-04-30T20:47:00.000-07:00

There is nothing better than a day at the beach in the sun to improve a mood! We took the little ones to the beach by the airport. They had a fantastic time watching the planes land and playing in the sand.

Looking for seashells, they found several intact little shells. Well, they were intact. I found a lot of remnants in the pocket of my jacket today. Oops!

Ninja training starts early, don't you know!

Ahh, this picture just reminds me of what summer is all about. Lazy days, warm sun and soft sand. And to think, this is Vancouver!!

Wishing on a dandelion. She wishes for many things, but most of all she wishes she hadn't just blown a bug onto her hand! At least I got one photo before the drama occurred.

Waiting Game

2007-04-28T12:02:00.000-07:00

The good news is the biopsy went better than expected. It was not painful, just merely uncomfortable.

I will know in two weeks, but it is already known that this is carcinoma-in-situ. This means that it has progressed but it is still within the local area. The results of the test will decide which procedure I will have. From what I understand, both have great success and there is 90% cure rate from a single procedure.

The specialist was a jerk. They usually are. No bedside manner. He spoke to his student as if I couldn't hear him, which is why I had knowledge of the type and stage long before I should have. Yesterday I went back to my own doctor and had a good talk with her. She spent a long time going over charts and photos to educate me on what the physiology of this condition is.,

It's obviously not the news I want to be dealing with, but when you look at the bigger picture, it's not the worst that could happen. I think of a good friend of mine right now who's supporting his best friend through bowel cancer. Or I think of my cousin, who has been suffering through long term chemo treatments for the past 6 years. When I think of what they're going through, cervical cancer seems a walk in the park.

I am blessed that if this was to happen, it was caught quickly and will be dealt with relatively easily. My only wish is that anyone out there reading this that does not have regular checkups, please do. I went three years without having one. When I did after much browbeating from my doctor, it showed abnormal cells. That has now progressed, but if I hadn't been getting it checked, we would be dealing with something much more serious.

Am I scared? I wouldn't be normal if I wasn't, but it's not something I can control and I am in good hands with people who can control it. I was very nervous leading up to the test, but now knowing what the result is, I am calm. I know things will be fine.

Almost 1 week down!

2007-04-19T19:26:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how quickly this week has gone! I am still very much enjoying the new company. I have so many plans and tasks that I am working at a fast pace all day. It has been far too long!

Thanks for the input regarding the Dude. He and I have talked. I think he understands why I need to do this without his help. I hope he does. I am very touched by his caring though and I think this might have really been a catalyst for a new level.

Did I mention I got a haircut? Not that you can see well in this photo but I'm happy with the shot nonetheless.

Yes, that is a Canucks shirt. While I will not make predictions on the series, let's just say I've been on the bandwagon firmly.

Day One

2007-04-16T21:24:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day at the new job. What a different environment! I love it!!

While I'm back in a cubicle rather than an office, it's a much more civil environment. I'm sure there will be issues as I get to know people, but it was such a fantastic change to be welcomed.

There is a lot to do and it will be a challenging time. The organization has just formed our department, and our timelines are tight. It's a good feeling to be busy again.

They were fine with me taking next Thursday afternoon off for my procedure. The Dude has offered to take me but I think I might decline his kind offer. Not sure if I'm ready for him to see me being as uncomfortable as I think I'm going to be. It was hard enough telling him, and even harder to hear the concern in his voice. I'm not good with that.

I have a new addiction as well. Have you tried Facebook yet? I signed up to help with the organization of my high school reunion but found even more people than I would have thought. Several people from my old company where I worked for 10 years but have now been gone for two. It's been a blast reconnecting.

Three Things

2007-04-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

I may have done this meme before, but I'm in a reflective mood so I will again. Thank you, Pentha for the inspiration.

Three things that scare me:

1. Losing my parents or brothers
2. I'm having a biopsy on April 26. The chance of those results are weighing greatly on me.
3. That this new job doesn't work out.

Three people who make me laugh:

1. Ms. Thang and Little Man
2. The Dude (yes, he's still around..somewhat)
3. My brother

Three things I love:

1. baking
2. a project I can sink my teeth into (i.e, the high school reunion organization)
3. photography

Three things I hate:

1. People who talk behind others backs
2. Losing my internet connection
3. Poor Drivers

Three things I don't understand:

1. how some people have luck and others don't
2. anything to do with the inner workings of a car
3. taxes

Three things on my desk:

1. A can of Coke
2. Family history photos dating back to the 1880's
3. My Nikon D80

Three things I'm doing right now:

1. Considering taking some pain meds
2. Thinking of another creative endeavour (either scrapbooking or photo related)
3. Worrying about my parent's health.

Three things I want to do before I die:

1. Travel to Zimbabwe to see Victoria Falls
2. Be Published
3. Find a new happily ever after (I agree, Pentha!)

Three things I can do:

1. Take fantastic photos
2. Write a good story
3. Think of creative new ways of doing things

Three things I can't do:

1. Anything sports related
2. Remember and repeat quotes from movies
3. Budget. ;-)

Three things I think you should listen to:

1. Anything by Eva Cassidy, Just Jinjer or Amanda Marshall
2. The people who know you best
3. Your Heart

Three things you should never listen to:

1. inflammatory or poisonous thoughts
2. uninformed opinions
3. racist epithets

Three things I'd like to learn:

1. How to be a graphic or web designer
2. How to build a dollhouse
3. How to stand up for myself

Three favorite foods:

1. Sushi (but only if the seaweed is fresh!)
2. Konafa (Lebanese desert)
3. Beef Sashimi

Three shows I watched as a kid:

1. The Donny and Marie Show
2. The Irish Rovers Show
3. Soap

Three things I regret:

1. Staying in relationships long after they'd died
2. Not having children back when I could.
3. Not being able to meet Pentha when I was in DC. =(

Three people I tag:

I'm not going to tag anyone in particular, but if you do this, I'd love to hear from you.

Biopsy

2007-04-12T09:27:00.001-07:00

Well, I just had my third pap test come back positive for cancer cells. Not something I am dealing with very well but know that I am in very good hands with this doctor.

I am scheduled for a biopsy to see the stage we are dealing with and a cryotherapy session (think, liquid nitrogen for 3-4 minutes). The good news is that this will be taken care of relatively quickly - April 26. The bad news is that this is just 1 week after starting a new job.

I am scared. I wish I wasn't but the fact is that this terrifies me. I have had too many bad things lately and my resistance is down. I know that as far as types go, this is not a bad one to have - and the cure rate is very high. But that's fine if it's happening to someone else!

I found out last week. It's taken me a few days to get my head around things. Dark humour abounds with my brother asking if he can wait until his hair grows back in first before having to shave it off for me. He recently shaved his head for a friend's daughter battling with leukemia.

My local friends have been supportive. That's been a big help. In times when I am in a bit of a shell from recent events, it has been wonderful to know that a sympathetic ear is only a few digits away.

At the end of the day, I have to let things go as they're meant to go. Maybe this is a lesson I am to learn in order to become the person I am meant to be. I have to trust that this is one thing I have no control over, and must not let it take control of me.

By this time next month, let's just hope this is all just a distant memory.

T-Ball

2007-04-10T09:27:00.000-07:00

Last night, I was able to see our budding softball star in action. Her third T-Ball game, ever. I don't remember seeing her mom play but I must say there is nothing more hilarious than watching a bunch of 5 year olds playing the game.

She's already got great form. But then again, her mother has seen to that. My niece was a very successful and competitive pitcher before she had Ms. Thang. The year she became pregnant, she had two scholarships at major US schools but decided that her life was with her family instead.

Ok, a little off side but at least she gave her all!

Note to Coach: Make sure all the other kids are far enough back so they don't get smacked with the bat. Ms. Thang smoke the little brown haired girl a good one...she was fine, but apparently I caught the second after impact in the photo. Good to know she has empathy!

This little guy was in a world of his own the entire game. I couldn't resist getting a shot of him. If he wasn't chewing on his waist string, he was picking dandelions or twirling. I'll bet he'll grow up to be the biggest star of them all! A lot of fun to do the paparazzi thing last night - the rest of the photos are here.

A few more...

2007-04-09T10:25:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd share a few more photos I took on Friday. It feels fantastic to be behind the lens again!
The running joke here is that I have never seen a bear in the wild. I am the bear anti-magnet. Just about every time we've gone camping, there has been a bear siting just after I've left the area. However, this time, at the Greater Vancouver Zoo, I was able to get as close as I'd ever want to - with the windows of the bus between me and him.

Spring has sprung. There are colours every place you look!

What an incredible stare this owl has! A very regal bird!

Again, about as close as I'd ever want to get to such an animal. Her name is 'Sweetie' and apparently that's her nature too. We'll just trust the trainer on that but I won't test it out.

Such a gorgeous creature!

Recipe for Relaxing

2007-04-08T22:17:00.000-07:00

Any time things get stressed and beyond control, there is no better prescription than spending time with those you hold close. This last week has been all about getting back to those things that are important to me. There is absolutely nothing better than a genuine hug from a two-year old!

One important thing, of course, is photography. For the first time in quite a few months, I spent some quality time behind the lens. Sure, I took photos on my holiday but this was actually getting back to the art of photography. There is nothing more affirming than getting back to a hobby you truly love. I have not been able to relax enough these past few months to allow myself to look at things creatively. Now that my mind is clearing, my creativity is waking up with a vengeance. If I'm not taking photos, I'm post-processing in Paint Shop or learning a new technique in Photoshop.

I also spent some time getting back into scrapbooking in a big way. The forum I spend a lot of time in had a weekend crop challenge. The timing was perfect, and I ended up doing 8 layouts in just over 24 hours.

On Friday, we took the kids to the zoo. It was a gorgeous day and very warm. To top it off, an old friend of mine joined us with his wife, sister and two beautiful little girls. He's a friend from high school now living in Ontario. We've reconnected because of the high school reunion, although we've always talked on and off.

This morning, I woke up more relaxed than I have in months. I've lost nearly 25 lbs. since January 1, but my appetite is finally coming back. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not - I kinda liked having my clothes feel too big!

Easter was quiet. My Dad isn't well right now and not very mobile. Unfortunately, my brother's family fell ill with the flu so it ended up just being Mom, Dad and I and a pizza. It's the small things that count though - and we were together.

Tomorrow, we'll be working on the endless renovations on my bathroom. Hopefully it will actually get somewhere as it's been weeks of a little bit of work, and a lot of waiting. I'm living with a mirror propped up on the wall!

This week, I have many plans ahead. Mostly reconnecting with people I haven't had chance and a trip to the outlet stores in Washington State. I just feel so much better in just these few days - it's like I'm reawakening from some sort of hibernation.

Free at Last!

2007-04-03T18:02:00.000-07:00

I am now officially done with my previous company. It was not pretty, or gracious or tidy. However, at the end of the day, it is done and I have a great weight lifted off my shoulders.

I sought legal advice on Friday evening and had a better grasp of what I could and should expect.

On Monday, I came in to find the issues had intensified and the inappropriate behaviour increased. When my supervisor came in, I asked to speak with her and told her I felt very uncomfortable. I then spoke with her supervisor and he convinced me to try and stick out the rest of the week.

'Don't let the [bleep]'s win', he said. I thought it odd that instead of condemning poor behaviour, he asked me to ignore it.

In the afternoon, I realized it simply wasn't worth it. Who was I letting win? Me, really. I had nothing to prove, nothing to gain by continuing in a toxic environment.

So I moved up my resignation date officially and left at the end of the day.

Now I just need to relax and destress. And I have 13 more days in which to do it in.

Breaking Up is hard to do

2007-03-30T16:08:00.000-07:00

This week has been very challenging to say the least.

Most relationships that end are less messy than it's been at work in these past few days. Then again, when you break up with someone, you'd don't often give them two weeks notice.

I gave my notice on Monday. It has not gone over well. The one girl I speak to on a regular basis there has been grilled to the extreme about my reasoning, yet they have yet to formally ask me. Forget formally, ask at all! After C. was pulled in on Monday, I went down to speak to the big boss to explain my position and tell him I did not appreciate my colleagues being questioned regarding my business. Apparently though, he did not have time. I was brushed off. He wouldn't close the door to his office so I felt uneasy about speaking openly, and within a minute, I was told he didn't have time to speak to me.

Queue a few days, with escalating tension as we go along. Today got so severe I had to take a moment before I stormed out. I do want to leave on good terms but this is getting so ridiculous and immature, I seriously don't know that I can. There are sideways comments, papers chucked on my desk, interrogations over events long buried and finished.

At the moment, I don't know what to do. My last official day is April 5. I don't see how this can continue as it is but I don't know what my legal stance is. If I leave prior to my notice being complete, does that put me in any jeopardy? I will have to find answers to that by Monday.

Fixing What's Broke

2007-03-26T19:14:00.000-07:00

I promised a big announcement today, and well, I made one.

I am leaving my present company and going to a fabulous new company. Stronger compensation package and much more stable environment. I will begin on April 16 at the new location in downtown Vancouver.

To say these last few months have been a challenge would be a vast understatement. I constantly debate with myself what I should and should not say, especially since finding out my senior boss found my old blog and have been very sensitive of everything I've written on this one ever since.

There are so many fundamentally wrong situations at this current place. The cracks below the surface are varied and deep. As I got more and more into the company's inner workings, the more I realized it was in rough shape. I found that the gossip mill was so entrenched that it worked it's way all the way into executive meetings. That mere thoughts of trespasses actually made it to the executive table and were discussed in depth.

Inappropriate behaviour from open insults to boorish acts are common place. There is no recourse. There is no trust.

When my Dad had his bypass last October, they were good to me. They gave me a leave of absence, so I felt some sort of misguided loyalty. But as the months went by and my misgivings grew, my health began to suffer. The toxic environment took away my ability to sleep, to eat properly, to see things clearly. I was always on alert for the next attack and there have been many. I have lost nearly 20 lbs just since January, and this has not been a diet. Nothing helps you lose weight better than thinking you're about to be publicly humiliated at every turn. I had started to lose faith in myself...to question my own intelligence.

I knew I needed to make a change, but had hoped to give myself a full year. However, during my recent trip to New York, when I had not one bout of headache or stomach upset, I realized it had become time.

When I returned, I began looking in earnest. It didn't take long. I had a 60% callback rate on my resume reminded me that I had no reason to question my ability. My old boss was fabulous. Even though we hadn't spoken in a year, he was quick to help where he could and again gave me that much needed confidence boost.

I interviewed three times last week with a large engineering firm for a procurement role. It felt good and although will require me to take the bus rather than drive, it is an exceptional company to work for. I'm excited again about my future and what I can do. And it doesn't hurt that the extra salary will allow me to afford a few new things.

Today I went in with my resignation letter. I knew it wouldn't be taken with joy, but at the same time I did expect some level of respect. Imagine my surprise when the senior boss had no time to speak to me directly, but did have time to call two coworkers in to ask why I was leaving. They also balked at the fact I was taking a week between positions. Excessive, I was told. None of their business, I replied.

It just solidified my position. There is a better place out there for me. A new environment to thrive in. Somewhere where I don't have to continually look over my shoulder.

A new leaf

2007-03-24T11:03:00.000-07:00

I will have a big announcement on Monday. Because I have strong superstitions, I can't quite say anything until it's official but there's been a pretty major development since my return from my holidays.

It's a happy announcement and once the decision was made, I slept like a baby last night.

It doesn't involve anything romantic though. There's some interesting development there too but I'm still in that phase of not wanting to say to much, lest I jinx. It's happened too many times.

Meanwhile, in family news, please keep my Uncle in your thoughts and prayers. He's an 84 year old WWII vet who's currently in hospital with serious lung problems. He was taken into hospital about 10 days ago and the family was told that it was only a matter of time. However, my Uncle has proved them wrong. Tough in mind and body, he fought strongly and they were able to remove the respirator. Unfortunately, for the days following, he experienced a strong flashback to his days overseas. Taking a swing at a nurse that he thought was the enemy when he heard the screams of schoolchildren trapped in a burning, bombed building in England and was being restrained from helping, we saw an insight into what he would have lived through during the War. He has never spoken of his battles but we knew there were unspeakable horrors. The positive of this all, is that he has now regained his consciousness and is wanting to talk. In great detail, actually, about his experiences. For a family historian such as myself, I am honoured that he has asked me to come to his bedside to take notes.

As his daughter said to me yesterday, "We are so lucky that we have never had to experience what my Mom (who was a First Aid nurse) and Dad lived through. "

More on Monday!

New York, New York

2007-03-17T11:42:00.000-07:00

What a trip! It's hard to know where to begin except to say we had a fantastic time. We arrived at Penn Station to a cold, windy city and began a whirlwind visit to the city. So much to see and even though we were going strong 14 hours a day, we only scratched the surface.

The first night, we got dressed up and walked to the theatre to see Chicago. It was VERY cold and wearing a dress in subzero temperature has it's challenges, but we wanted to make a true evening of it. The anticipation while we got ready for the evening made it even more special. The play? Phenomenal! Bebe Neuwith played a fantastic Roxie.

The next day, we took a trip up to Ground Zero (which will be the subject of a second post) and then up to Central Park, the Guggenheim, and the MOMA. In the afternoon, we met up with Devon. She took us through a great little tour of the area and it was a true highlight to meet her!

We took a trip on the Staten Island Ferry at sunset. A great view of the city as it made it's transition from daylight to night. It was cold, but well worth the trip.

Strawberry Fields. We did a tour with a group called 'New York Party Shuttle' and I would highly recommend it to anyone who visits the city. A 5-1/2 hour tour, with some walking gave us a unique perspective we wouldn't have had otherwise.

Our hotel was just around the corner from Times Square. It's hard not to look like a tourist when presented with so much to look at. Billboards unbelievably large, lights in the most strange places, and SO many people.

Apparently a staple of Time Square, this busker attracts quite a crowd in Times Square. I couldn't help but wonder what was keeping him warm in freezing temperatures!

My favourite picture. Taken from the Staten Island Ferry. You can't help but feel impressed by this statue. She truly does have grace.

We left very early on Sunday morning. Unfortunately, we encountered the one and only nasty New Yorker in our shuttle driver. He felt we didn't tip appropriately and berated us as we left the shuttle. 'Go home and never come back!', he screamed. He didn't damper the trip though and I only wish we'd kept a receipt so I would know the name of the company to advise them of their employee in need of an attitude adjustment.

I came back to uncertain times. Not much I can say yet but there will be some changes coming soon in my life. Some good, some very good and some a little scary but as they say 'As one door closes, another opens'.

DC!

2007-03-06T16:51:00.000-08:00

DC has been a blast so far, but busy and COLD!

The eternal flame on JFK's grave was impressive but the walk through the cemetary not so much. At subzero temperatures with a biting wind, it was hard to spend too much time paying our respect to the fallen heroes.

The Puffy shirt AND Mr. Rogers jacket in the same display as Carrie Bradshaw's laptop? Now THAT would be an interesting episode!

Just outside our hotel. It is a much more impressive building in person than it is on television, and that's saying something.

As we took these pics in from of the White House, we were ushered over to the other side of the street by security. Out of the side gates, the blacked-window SUV's came through at a high rate of speed. Did we see G-Dub? Checking out these pics and noticing the sharpshooters on the roof after, I think we might just have done so.

Tomorrow is up to New York. Let's just hope I can find a decent jacket beforehand. The vest is just not cutting it.

Have you?

2007-03-02T17:51:00.000-08:00

I saw this on Ki's blog and thought it was very interesting. The accomplishments (or otherwise) are bolded if completed.

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said "I love you" and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights (I VERY much want to do this!)
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa (went there and would have climbed it if it wasn't closed, so I'm bolding it.;-))
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day (try not to after being in the Southern US for any length of time!)
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River (ok,not Snake River but a river all the same!)
82. Been on television news programs as an expert
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Eaten fugu (pufferfish)
89. Had a one-night stand
90. Gone to Thailand
91. Bought a house
92. Been in a combat zone
93. Buried one/both of your parents
94. Been on a cruise ship
95. Spoken more than one language fluently
96. Performed in Rocky Horror Picture Show
97. Raised children
98. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery (not nearly as exciting as it sounds though!)
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds (45.5 kilograms)
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Ridden a bike
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one important author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions (no, but I've PLANNED them all!)
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life

If you do one of these, leave a comment and let me know. I'd be interested to read!

This time next week...

2007-02-25T09:35:00.000-08:00

I'll be on holidays...specifically Annapolis, Maryland. I'll be visiting friends I haven't seen in far too long and soaking in sights I've never seen.

I am still trying to get my head around the fact that we leave in less than a week. I'm mildly..and at times, not so mildly..panicking that something will be forgotten, or go wrong or change. Or that I won't have the house ready for my parents to housesit. Or that my pup's current medical issue won't resolve itself in time.

There's so much to do. Yesterday, I lost an entire day as I had to work. It should have been a 6 hour day but ended up being 9. It was an inventory count and by the time, I got home last nght, it was all I could do to lay on the couch and watch movies. "Forrest Gump" was on...I could watch that movie daily and still not get enough! This morning, my back is more than a little irritated but I don't have time to worry about it.

In just a couple hours, it's our princess party for Ms. Thang. Of course, I'm going as the paparazzi. Twenty 5-year-old girls. I can't wait!

This week will go by quickly with preparations to travel, so the light blogging will continue. For those of you that I hope to meet during my trip, we'll be in touch over email.

Blink of an eye

2007-02-21T18:40:00.000-08:00

How did this?

become this in nothing short of a blink of an eye?

Ms. Thang turns 5 tomorrow. 5 going on 16. She can be the sassiest, wittiest little girl, and in the next minute giving the best cuddles.

5 years ago tonight, we were on our drive to Alberta in the middle of mudslides, avalanches and white out conditions. What should have been 10 hours was closer to 27.

For her mom, it was a hard night. She wanted her family there but we weren't. We didn't expect such a long trip and even more so, such a quick labour. This little girl came into the world in just under 2 hours. Her mom, just a very young 19, grew up very quickly in that moment. Her dad did too. He was a little older at 22 but the world changed in that moment.

Creed's 'With Arms Wide Open' will always bring back memories of seeing T holding his daughter in our hotel room right after they were released from the hospital.

Now, it's 5 years later. 5 years that have brought our family closer than any other event could have. Deaths, drama and strife had just given us moments of familial unity, but that would fade once we got back to our regular routines. But this baby? There was no fading back. She made us all come together for good.

I watch her now. So sure of herself, so unassuming and accepting of the fact that we are her family. She has no idea how much a catalyst she was for that. I wonder if she ever will.

She has a boyfriend, you know. His name is Taryn. He's from her preschool class. If you mentioned his name, she blushes the most beautiful pink.

Happy birthday, baby girl.

Stock Photography

2007-02-19T10:54:00.000-08:00

I've decided to try my hand at stock photography. After researching a few sites, I decided on 123rf.com.

The premise of stock photography is to produce commercially viable images to be used in brochures, advertisements and other business documents. They must be a certain size, clarity and composition.

So far, I've uploaded 47 and 43 have been accepted to my portfolio for sale to potential customers. The 4 that were refused were for low commercial value, poor lighting or incorrect sizing. Which means, the 43 that were accepted were commercially viable.

It's been a big boost and while I know I won't get rich, it's good to know my photography meets a certain criteria.

If you want to see my portfolio, check here.

Time Flying..

2007-02-19T09:04:00.000-08:00

with a little bit of Murphy's Law mixed in.

Combining the apres-virus with trip preparations and a few home renovations has made for a very busy few days. Not to mention the reunion planning and a few photography developments as well.

The good news is the floor is tiled. I got a great deal on some porcelain tiles and my brother and his son-in-law did the work. Tomorrow the grout will go in and the toilet will go back in place. YAY! Right now, a toilet in the bathtub causes all sorts of annoyance.

Where does Murphy's Law factor in? Well, my pup...not such a pup anymore at 7-1/2 but she will always be to me. She has hip displaysia. It doesn't cause too many problems as long as I keep her medication up, but she does have some nerve damage in her hind end. This translates to bladder infections, as she is unable to feel the 'urge' and cannot control herself at times. From time to time, the infection builds up when she hasn't been able to fully relieve herself. This would be the week that it happened again. So this weekend, I have been on the floor on my hands and knees scrubbing with Lysol. Each and every square inch, only to look up and see yet another line of drips. She can't help it, and I know she's in discomfort so all I can do is get back down and scrub again. Most of my house is hardwood with the exception of my bedroom. During the night, she had a major accident and it looked for a bit like I would have to replace the carpet. When pennies are as tight as they are now, it was enough to make me feel very stressed.

We were intending to have the weekly family dinner at my house, but with the dog being the way she is and a decidedly pungent smell that still lingers, it was moved back to my brothers. The thought of the two kids, 7 adults and a sick dog was a little too overwhelming. That left me again feeling very guilty, as I wanted to do the dinner myself for once.

Trip planning is going very well, and with the exception of the cold weather on the east coast, I can't wait for this holiday. Sorely needed after a couple or three fairly stressful years!

And with that I now must get back to work. Will try to update more frequently.

Be Back Soon

2007-02-09T21:25:00.000-08:00

I didn't mean to cause such a kafuffle with my quietness this week, but thank you all for the kind words.

The virus has morphed into a sinus/throat infection. Unfortunately that has meant wicked migraines the like I've almost forgotten were possible. I was out of Imitrex so had been trying to manage it with Tylenol #3 and that's not been very successful. Doesn't help much either that I have been pulling overtime all week covering for a coworker who fell snowboarding.

Tonight, I'm feeling somewhat improved - at least enough to be near the light of the computer anyhow.

My niece was good though. After my little meltdown last weekend, she came over one night this week and made me dinner. Such a sweet gesture from a girl who seldom thinks outside of her own little realm. Could she actually be growing up? We talked about our impending trip to Washington and New York. It's coming up so quickly, and I am just hoping the weather starts to warm up soon on that side of the continent.

Now the other story. My experience has taught me, rather painfully, not to expect things to have neat, perfect little endings. That's not to say I don't believe in fate, destiny or storybook endings. However, the reason those situations make good stories is because they're few and far between. Life seldom works the way you envision it. Still, I would be lying if I said I was letting it go. Far from it, actually. Simply trying to be realistic.

I have thought so much about our situation, and him. Of the good times and the bad. The ball is in his court right now. I haven't heard back from him since last weekend so time will tell.

Would I go there for a visit? In a heartbeat. Could I? Sadly no. Finances are not what they used to be. I am hanging onto the possibility of him travelling here again. He's in a better situation to do so, considering his business relates directly to the line of work I'm in. A business trip is certainly not out of the question.

A funny thing though. The other morning driving to work, I looked down at my hand and realized my ring was gone. Our ring. After all this recent revival and nearly a decade, it appeared I'd lost it. I was surprised at how hard I took it, even feeling a lump in my throat as my heart raced at the thought of it being gone. With all that had transpired, why did I lose it NOW? When I got home, I went upstairs and found it lying in my bed. It's not loose enough to fall off, so I must have removed it during my sleep. If that doesn't speak to how much this is affecting me, I don't know what does.

I am not giving up though. Just switching gears a bit. Call it a defense mechanism, or call it jaded. I just need to be a little careful here...those scars on my heart are still scabbed over and the bruising still evident.

Be Careful What You Wish For

2007-02-06T12:24:00.000-08:00

As I alluded to in my last post, I did receive an email from Q over the weekend.

It's funny how the words you always hoped to hear can have a terrifying effect rather than an exciting one.

He is well and living close to where he used to, although no longer with the family. He remembers every little details of his time in Canada and his memories of our time together are strong.

He hasn't found the ability to feel love again either.

His mom is still living, although in the photograph I found on the internet, I must admit that time hasn't been kind to her. I truly thought that was their grandmother in the picture. She has lived a difficult life, and her aged looks are a testiment to that . He strength through adversity was always something I admired - even if it went against what I wanted.

Unfortunately, it was his stepfather - a jovial, friendly man that is no longer with us. He passed of cancer only a short time ago. Heartbreakingly after he and Q had only begun to built a relationship after a tumultuous stretch at odds of each other.

Where do we go from here? Sadly, that's what's bothering me. I simply have no idea. I can't move there. He can't move here. So we sit again - checkmate.

It's that time of year

2007-02-06T09:06:00.000-08:00

It would seem the virus that has been floating around has got me good. I started with a sore throat but it quickly morphed into feeling like I have tonsils the size of basketballs scraping against hot glass shards. The cough, as usual, sounds like a seal call.

Of course, this only means a HEAP of guilt as I'm still doing a lot for my parents. We were supposed to have a family dinner at my brother's on Sunday, but I was too sick to drive them. The dinner got cancelled...but not with a LOT of guilt from both my brother and my mother that they weren't able to get together because of me. It's frustrating. I really don't want to complain - we are so incredibly lucky to have my Dad with us and that's something I cherish every day, but the rest of the family simply doesn't seem to realize that he is still not well. Nor likely will ever be.

Sure, he's improved vastly but he's still not great. He can't drive at night either. If they ever want to go anywhere, it's up to me to get them there. Ahh, such is life. I'm sure it's just this virus that's making me so grumpy.

I have heard from South Africa. I'm still processing where I am as the letter was heartwarming, yet gutwrenching at the same time. We both still feel the same. However, there is still no solution to the problem. I can't help but think 'Be Careful What You Wish For'.

Is that hold Muzak?

2007-01-31T21:30:00.000-08:00

As we (or at least I) wait with baited breath for an email, plans now turn to trip planning. It's a month 'til my niece and I leave for our trip to the East Coast and time to start seriously making plans.

I knew she was related to me when she called tonight to say she'd started mapping out our itinerary. I thought I was the only one that liked to plan that much!

We began looking at the New York portion tonight and booked tickets to Chicago for the Wednesday evening. It's her favourite movie, and she's very excited to see it live on Broadway. Me? I was hoping for Wicked but apparently that's a little too popular right now and not an option. I love any live theatre though so I wasn't too hard to please. When my first choice wasn't available, I let her choose.

I'd like to know a little more about the off-broadway performances though. I have no idea what's good or not, but will look into that a little bit more. Anyone have suggestions?

Other than that, we are planning the NBC tour, a city tour, the usual touristy haunts and of course, Central Park.

Devon, I'll email you shortly but am hoping we can still figure out a time to catch up together.

Other than that, lots of restaurants I'd love to try and just the chance to savour the sites that I don't even know to plan for yet.

My biggest concern right now is my camera. I am very nervous to travel with it. It's bulky and well, not exactly stealth while doing the touristy thing. Of course, my brother has put the security side of things in my head now too, so I am worried about that as well. Alternately, I could take the point-and-shoot but would never get the quality I'd be hoping for. Will have to think on that.

I can't believe it's only 4 weeks to go!

(and with the other situation, I've decided to do a little que sera right now. It's out of my hands. I've said what I needed to and now it needs to be left to become what it's meant to.)

A Peep

2007-01-31T08:14:00.000-08:00

Of course, I wrote.

After my post the other night, I spent another restless night debating and decided that it was getting silly. Yesterday morning, I sent a quick little note basically teasing that I felt that he had the advantage. Here I'd emailed him a newsy little letter about myself after his email and then heard nothing back. I also sent him a picture of us together...something he wouldn't have had - as once again I was always the one with the camera. Big surprise there!

I heard last night. It would have been the first thing he wrote in the morning - 7am his time. Apologizing profusely about not responding yet. So much to say, he said, but no idea where to begin. And it is month end. He's a chartered accountant now. Month End is showtime. I know that well...and had I thought for a minute I would have realized it too, given that it's the same at my job.

"I promise to write more tonight (my time)", he said.

So I wait. Feeling mildly bad about bothering him and not wanting to be a pest to him.

Writing that post the other night stirred up a lot of emotions I thought I'd long buried. The funny thing is, even though his mom never thought much for me, I have never held that against her. I did think highly of her, actually. She was only doing what she thought she should as a mom...protecting her son.

And with that, I wait until the next email. I want badly to believe it's going to be a good one, but at the same time, experience hasn't really given me much confidence in that area.

Opening A Door

2007-01-29T19:33:00.000-08:00

It has been a bit of an interesting week. Something I thought long buried has stirred in my memory graveyard.

It's funny how something relatively insignificant can have such an impact on your very core. This will be a long post, so bear with me.

A little history lesson in my life for those who haven't been in my world all that long. I did have a soulmate once. Someone I truly felt was my better half.

I started out my teenage years with a boyfriend whom I thought would be my husband. However, after 10 years together, we realized that wasn't meant to be. It had been a decade of doing what we thought was expected. Everyone just coupled up, got married and that was it, right? When we broke up, I was devastated. I had grown up in a pseudo-Catholic household where good girls got married and lived the rest of their lives in domestic bliss. I didn't go to college because I truly believed I was just biding my time until I became a stay-at-home mom. So when I hit 25, and the boy left my life, I was understandably confused, scared and one very mixed up little girl. Looking back now, I see this as likely the very best thing that could have ever happened to me but at the time, I could only see my life in ruins. Even though I knew we'd never been happy as a couple and clearly were not compatible, I simply couldn't imagine ever being with anyone else.

Two years later, a friend of mine convinced me to join her and another friend through a backpacking trip in Western Europe. Travel was something I'd read about in books but to actually do it? Little milquetoast me? But Andi was an insistent, brassy Aussie who would take no excuses and for that, I will always be grateful to her.

I arrived in England with my friend L in September 1997. As we waited for that bus to load up on the first morning of the 21-day escorted tour, we were held up by a late passenger. Through the foggy, misty English autumn morning, a dishelved young man came running through the park quite obviously in a panic. His red shoulder-length hair and sour demeanor made everyone wonder what sort of person had just joined us. He shuffled onto the bus, found a seat by himself and made it quite known he did not want to be bothered.

'Dark horse' he was referred to by the rest of the group. 'Stay away from that one', they whispered. Oddly, I was just intrigued.

In the interest of brevity, as there is much to this story, I can tell you the moment we fell in love. Q was sitting on a brick wall in Monaco and I was mesmerized. His South African accent, his wild flaming hair, his way of conversation that would always get us into spirited discussions on just about everything. There was more, but we'll just leave that to my memory. ;-)

At the time, it seemed perfect yet impossible as we excitedly fell deeply in love. We made plans for our future and it seemed the most obvious solution for him to move to Canada. His family was in South Africa but it was a dangerous place and the economy not good. He'd often dreamed of moving but couldn't decide where his life would be.

I returned to Canada, and he followed a few weeks later. Moving comfortably into my little one-bedroom apartment, I'd never been happier. My family was understandably hesitant as it seemed so improbable.

We planned to marry. While he started his paperwork to emigrate on his own, we decided the wedding would happen as soon as it was sorted. The only thing left was for him to go back home to collect his things and for me to join him to meet his family.

It was a blissful time for both of us. We were both in awe of the chances of finding each other, and life just seemed perfect.

The following May, I made the trip of a lifetime. I flew to Capetown to meet him - 16000 miles away from home. For a girl who wouldn't even drive to downtown Vancouver on her own, it was an incredible leap of faith but one that I never even blinked at. As I flew into Capetown to the sun rising over Table Mountain, I felt as if I was fulfilling a dream.

We spent a wonderful week in the city, sightseeing and relaxing before heading inland to his family's home.

That is when the story takes a turn. Unfortunately, I was not what his mother was expecting. She was a strong, opinionated woman who was the family matriarch. I was not Catholic, I was not South African and I was simply not good enough for her son.

I tried to befriend her. I respected her courage and strength that came from raising her 5 children on her own. Not easy to do in any case, but in South Africa - a tragic, fractured country - much more difficult. I told myself in time she would see that I would be a good partner for her son. But I felt very alone. Q adored his mother, and was oblivious to her cruel comments and nasty jibes. I have never felt so far away from home.

We planned for his return to Canada the following September. We bought a ring in Johannesburg that I wear to this day. As my time grew short, I began to get increasingly nervous about our future. Although he swore to me that he would come 'home' to Canada, I knew his mother had other ideas.

On my last day in South Africa, we went for a walk on a local beach near his hometown - the three of us. As he playfully threw rocks into the ocean, his mother came over to me as if to chat. She stood close to me and while smiling broadly, said very coldly 'Don't make me fight for my son. I will win'. I was shocked. I couldn't bear to tell him - somehow I felt that I couldn't. But I was completely speechless and even his coaxing of 'what's wrong?' couldn't make me tell him.

As we arrived the next day at the airport for my flight home, I knew in my heart that it was the last time I would ever see him. My heart was so heavy and I felt and was physically ill. He promised me over and over again that he would be back with me soon. That my fears were unfounded. And while I couldn't tell him at the time what his mother had said, I did tell him I felt she didn't care for me. He vehemently denied it, and I knew I could never tell him the rest of the story.

I flew home, and we continued to talk every day. This is long before VOIP or Skype or any of the cheap voicecall methods and my phonebills were incredible. As September came and went, he still believed he would be coming soon. His mother, in the meantime, made every effort to change his mind. She would set him up on dinner dates or send friend's daughters to bring him food while he was working. If I called his house and she answered, she would often just put the phone down on the counter and walk away. Not calling him, but leaving me hanging...not knowing if she was getting him but not sure if I should hang up in case she would.

In February '99, the world imploded. He finally admitted he couldn't leave. He couldn't leave his family. I knew it was coming...but had hoped that it wouldn't. But how could I argue when I couldn't leave my own?

I called him once again the following December and he was so cold. So angry. Bitter and hating, he had taken to a dark depression and I felt I had to move on.

And I did. I met others. I tried to love again, but never felt that beautiful 'complete'-ness. He has always been a part of my heart. I have never been able to take off the ring we bought together, although I did have it made into a pinky ring. I still read the South African news regularly and seemed to gravitate to friends who were from the country. Many of my stories have some sort of 'When I went to South Africa' edge to them. Often, I'd google him but as his name was the same as a famous rugby player, it was impossible to find anything. I tried to find him in the phonebooks when they came online but never could.

Last year, I found his sister's wedding page quite by accident. I saw the family pictures of the wedding. The 5 siblings, the grandmother but oddly the Mother was not in any of them. Had she passed away? There was no contact information on the page and no way of knowing.

Then last Wednesday, I get an email out of the blue. He had been searching too and had found me through one of the reunion/classmates type websites. 'Are you well?', he wrote. 'I've never stopped thinking of you. Please write me back. Love, Q'

Could this be real? I was overjoyed. I must have read that email a hundred times. Those 4 letters at the end...they said so much. What do I write? What do I say? Where do I start?

So I started writing, but I am never short and packing nine years into a few sentences is hard. I tried to be brief...highlighting a few events, giving him my photography website and a few other details.

That night, I watched the clock. Realizing that I was still doing what I did back then. Mentally calculating the timezones. Oh, it's 8pm, 6am there. Well, his alarm must just be going off for him to go to work.

I had felt such a surge of joy that I couldn't contain my excitement. I told my brother, my family and my friends I'd heard from him. My niece squealed 'Do you think you'll really see him again?" I chided her for thinking too far ahead, but secretly, I hoped that I could recapture that feeling of true love. That feeling I'd never really been able to experience since.

It's now been 5 days and not a peep. I try to tell myself not to be disappointed, but I simply can't help it. I have gone over my email to him many times, and I have analyzed every sentence - every hint, every nuance. Did I come across too strongly? Did I say the wrong thing? What did I do?

I sit here tonight and have decided to share it. I don't think it wise to send another email -or maybe I should. I just don't know, but the thought of that door closing shut again guts me. I got my hopes up again - and my logic tells me that's poor judgement but my heart tells me otherwise.

The Games People Play

2007-01-22T20:51:00.000-08:00

This particular little task has been floating around the blogosphere for a while but Shannon's post spurred me into doing one myself.

And given my ranting last post, I felt something lighter was appropriate.

1. I have a cousin in California who owns a wild horse sanctuary. We used to go there for summer vacations when I was young and it was always a fantastic time. It's in a very secluded and rustic area of Northern California, and you feel like you've walked a century back in time. Often at night, they'd have a bonfire and a couple of the neighbours would come up. There was one particular man who used to bring his guitar and sing a tune or two, and I knew he was good but he was just simply my cousin's neighbour. It was years later that I learned that man was Merle Haggard.

2. I have an obsessive need to be informed. If someone asks me something I don't know or understand, I will research it until I do. It comes from a bizarre little insecurity of feeling less than intelligent from a few of my teachers. As a child, I stuttered badly and often couldn't get my words out. So I got labelled. It made me very frustrated and if I couldn't speak, I learned I could write. One time in Grade 4, a teacher asked me about the country of Australia and I couldn't get the words out in front of the class. The following Monday morning, that teacher had a 5 page written essay on Australia even though she hadn't asked for it. It was then I started to learn the power of the written word. Since then, it became a love for trivia and knowledge in general.

3. I was suspended from school twice. Once in Grade 1 for 2 days for kicking a boy in the jewels. He'd called me a 'crybaby'. He didn't do it a second time. The other time was in Grade 7. I was being teased and became enraged. I slapped a boy twice my size as hard as I could. It was severe enough to leave a 5-fingered handprint on his face. I was called into the office and suspended for 3 days. However, much later, my mom told me the principal had been apologetic to her as he had been more proud of me for standing up for myself than angry. The 3-day rule was a zero tolerance policy. I never raised my hand to anyone again, but I learned that day that I did have a line and once crossed, I had a temper beyond anything measurable.

4. My biggest regret in life is missing the birth of my niece's son. I was with her through every moment of her pregnancy, and was to be at the birth. However, when she went into labour, I chose my job over my family. I had recently been off work for an illness and felt guilty about taking more time. I was laid off a month later anyhow, and it is one of my deepest regrets. I don't suspect I'll ever have another chance to be at the birth of another human being, but if I do, I will not let anything take precedence.

5. I have personally traced 4 lines of my family tree back to the 16th century. I started it when I was merely 10 years old. Not really understanding the significance, but with a strong need to know, I began quizzing my elder family members. I have hand drawn, child-like scrawled papers showing my tree, and writing out the oral history. It is my intention to write their stories properly one day. One day is getting a little closer all the time.

Ok, I'm not going to tag anyone directy, but I do hope you'll play. Tell me if you do.

Reader Advisory

2007-01-22T19:53:00.000-08:00

Reader advisory: This story contains content that may be considered graphic or offensive.

That was the refrain of the day as the trial of the worst mass murder in Canadian history got underway. Robert Pickton, the pig farmer accused of murdering several dozen women at his farm was first arrested on February 22, 2002. A day that unfortunately was an important date in my world because it was the day that Ms. Thang was born. There we were on the way to meet our new family member, yet the news on the radio was unbelieveable.

The trial - nearly 5 years in preparation - has long rumoured to be a horrific display of the most intensely depraved human being to be known in our times. And today, the first day of the trial proved that 'we ain't seen nothing yet'.

Quoting the CBC:

They found two five-gallon laundry buckets stacked inside each other.
The buckets contained the skulls, hands and partial feet of two of the missing
women, Abotsway and Andrea Joesbury.

Police later discovered both heads had bullet wounds. As well, Joesbury's personal belongings were found on the Pickton property.Prevett also told the jury that the skull, hands and feet of another missing woman, Mona Wilson, were discovered in a plastic garbage can.

He said 14 human hand bones were also found at the farm. One was identified as that of Georgina Papin, another of the six alleged victims. A tooth was also discovered, and identified as that of Marnie Frey, who had also gone missing.

That, unfortunately is only the tip of the iceberg. There are many more stories regarding what was displayed in court today. It caused one family member to break down, running as fast as she could for the door when the details of her relative's demise became public.

He's been charged with 26 murders but he claims 49. Says he had hoped to finish off at a round number like 50, but he got sloppy.

Reader advisory. I understand this is not for the weak of heart, but it occurs to me that by censoring our delicate sensibilities here, we do ourselves harm.

We SHOULD be sickened. We SHOULD be revolted, disgusted, offended and horrified. But to block ourselves away and not listen to the difficult words and details is to allow those women who lost their lives to further fall into the silence. To cleanse our world of the true details is to give power to the man who took their lives, and to trivialize the brutality that these women endured.

If we continue to bury our own heads in the proverbial sand, we only cause greater damage to our own reality.

Last Year

2007-01-18T09:02:00.000-08:00

Just a quick clarification from my last post. I do not think 30 is old, but to a 5 year old who thinks my Mom's age is 15, 30 is REALLY old. =)

Now that I'm feeling better, it's time for a little retrospective.

1. Where did you ring in 2006?

At my best friend's house. It was quiet little house party but we heard the wonderful news that she and her husband were expecting.

2. What was your status on Valentine's Day?

Sorta-kinda-dating. The Dude and I had a wonderful date on the 13th (so as not to put too much emphasis on Hallmark Day) and we talked on the phone on the 14th for hours. However, what I had no idea at the time, was that it would mark our last 'real' date. Things imploded somewhat rapidly after that, once again strengthening my belief that the 14th is cursed for me.

3. Were you in school anytime this year?

Photography courses! I also took some online writing courses as well.

4. How did you earn your keep?

After leaving the last job, I took a new job with a longer commute. Same type of work - raw materials buying. It took me a while to settle in, but I'm quite happy now. Other than that, I made some extra money doing photography at events.

5. Did you ever have to go to the hospital?

Had my knee operation on February 21. It wasn't a 'real' hospital but a private clinic. I probably should have gone numerous times during the last quarter of the year as my other issue became very intense, but instead I just dealt with it myself (not a smart move, by the way).

And of course, the family stuff. My Dad spent a month in the hospital in October. And my Aunt was in hospital for 3 weeks in April with a small stroke.

6. Did you ever encounter the police?

Other than the off-duty ones at my brother's house? Nope.

7. Where did you go on vacation?

In February, I met a group of friend in Las Vegas for a couple days and in April, I went to Tofino for the best friend's wedding. In July, we spent two nights in Princeton with my family. A great little getaway and likely the last time our whole family will ever be travelling together again.

8. What did you purchase that was over $500?

There's been a few (cough) shopaholic (/cough) binges this year. The Nikon D80 has to be my most favourite though, and the 70-300mm lense. Oh and the 400-800mm lense too. My new laptop in May - oops, nearly forgot that.

9. Did you know anybody who got married?

My best friend. I was in the wedding party and it was the event of a lifetime.

10. Did you know anybody who passed away?

My cousin-in-law, Rick passsed in February of ALS. It was tragic to watch this vibrant man waste away and while a blessing in the end, we still miss him terribly.

My next door neighbour also passed away in September of cancer. She found out Christmas Eve 2005. It has been so hard to watch her husband after her death though...50 years together and he worshipped her.

A highschool friend of mine also lost her 5 year old daughter to brain cancer in October. If there is one thing in this world that is completely unfathomable, it's seeing a child go through a terminal illness.

My Mom's best friend died of cancer in August as well. She was strong lady, with incredible class. She passed away tragically in a hospice that truly does not deserve to have it's license. 4 days before she died, she fell out of bed and broke her shoulder and arm. They chose not to treat her because they felt there was no point. I understand things must be rationalized but I fail to understand how someone can be left in agony during their last hours.

12. Did you move anywhere? Nope. Just jobs.

13. What sporting events did you go to?

Other than my old job's baseball tournament in August (where I had a blast practicing photography), not a one. Oh, wait, I did watch one of my niece's ball tournaments as well.

14. What concerts did you go to?

Bif Naked (or was that 2005?), Great Big Sea (February), Julio Iglesias (sometime in August), Kenny Rogers (September). I feel like I'm forgetting one but I can't remember it right now.

15. Are you registered to vote? Yes.

16. If so, did you do your patriotic duty in 2006?

Um, blush, funny story there. I was on a date with The Dude. We didn't realize it was as late as it was. I didn't make it. I am still feeling incredibly guilty about that.

17. Where do you live now? Same place I have for 7 years.

18. Describe your birthday. A group of friends met up with me at our local casino. We had a buffet and then spent a little time with the slot machines.

19. What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2006?

Travel as a 'disabled person' in February. I went to Vegas, while almost completey immobile and using a cane. Trust me when I say it is an eye opening experience to see what disabled people must go through in an airport. While the Canadian side was fantastic and stress-free, the US side was sadly lacking. I was left in tears, and extremely frustrated by the entire situation.

I also never thought I'd see my Dad have a heart attack nor be the one to call 911.

20. What is one thing you regretted this year (2006)?

Hmmm...can I say this here? The Dude is my big regret. I still miss him terribly. I know I shouldn't but I do. I still can't hear The Fray's 'How To Save a Life' without feeling sad. We do still manage a friendship - for which I'm grateful - but our connection is gone.

21. What's something you learned about yourself?

I can deal with crisis situations well. And I have minimal patience for people who play the drama card on things that truly aren't that dramatic.

22. Any new additions to your family?

Callie, my brother's bull mastiff joined our family in September.

23. What was your best month?

Hmmm...I don't really know. This has been a year with some serious challenges. However, the summer was fun. Good weather and good friends.

24. What from the news will you remember 2006 by?

The Litvenko murder (why would they possibly kill a spy in such a dramatic way as with radiation?); Saddam Hussein's demise (December's a bad month for dictators - just ask Romania's Ceaucescu.); the Stanley Park storm damage. And so much more...my head is still filled with many media facts. That's the downfall of being a newsjunkie.

My Latest Picaso

2007-01-15T19:18:00.000-08:00

That's me walking my dog at the bottom. She had a little trouble with the dog's name so my Mom helped her with 'Molly', but she was very sure she wanted to write my name - so I am henceforward known as 'Sox'. Interesting to note that I have the same hair colour as my Mom.

If you look closely at my Dad - Papa - you should see Ms. Thang. Apparently he is carrying her. Like I would think differently. Silly me.

This is the first picture she has made for me. I couldn't be more proud! I told her 'When you're old - like THIRTY - I will pull this picture out and show you again. You'll love it, I promise!'.

She didn't quite know what to make of that comment, but she did know I was happy with what she gave me. It will be treasured forever.

The Reunion

2007-01-15T11:57:00.000-08:00

I mentioned a few months ago that I joined the committee for our Class of 1987 high school reunion. As with most things that I get my mind into, I have jumped into it with both feet, full force. And I am loving it.

Surprisingly so, actually.

I was part of the group in 1997 that organized the 10 year. It was not an easy task for so many reasons. Part was our lack of experience, part was old wounds that don't quite close over completely and another part was simply that we hadn't quite moved that far away from who we were in high school.

These last 10 years though have been remarkably different. I know that's true for me, and it's proving to be true for the others on this group as well.

We have 5 women on our committee - all passionate, motivated and dedicated. But completely different in personality. Our end goals are the same but how we are getting there is an interesting path to say the least.

In high school, the other girls did socialize together. Two of them would clearly be considered the 'popular' ones in the stereotypical sense. Another would have been our class president but for a lack of a few votes - something that she still feels fairly strongly about. However, I'm the odd one out here. I never knew quite where I fit in back then and often felt out of place in my own skin.

I wasn't one of the popular kids. I didn't drink. I didn't really even know how to socialize that well. The friends I did consider close were more in the academic/music type programs. But even there, I was a fringe player. It took me a long time after high school to realize who I was and become confident.

When I joined this reunion, it filled me with a lot of old feelings I thought were long gone. It's funny how incidents can still have power over you two decades later. But that's part of the lesson to be learned here. I am no longer that girl who was scared of her own shadow.

I created a website for the group and have been overwhelmed by the response. I am more motivated each day as I see people joining, adding new photos and chatting on the message board. However, when I say it motivated me, I say that with a grin. Motivated to the nth degree. I probably spent 25 hours on the website and related reunion business this weekend alone. I had to pull myself away from the computer last night as I searched through our missing list and tried to play detective.

It has just been such a positive experience for me, even with some dredged up past experiences, that I want everyone in the group to have a chance to reconnect and find the same thing I have. That we've grown up pretty well. And while we may have gone off on our separate paths, we still have a lot in common and it feels very good to reintroduce ourselves again.

The Holiday

2007-01-11T10:09:00.000-08:00

I haven't spoken too much of my impending holiday for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, there's the jinx factor. Everyone who has followed my life lately knows it's been a little on the dramatic side, leaving not a lot of room for planning ahead.

After we knew that my Dad would survive, I booked a trip in early March to Washington, DC and New York with my niece.

It will be my first REAL holiday since July 2004.

I've taken a couple of days here and there. A trip to Vegas that was challenged by inability to walk with a bum knee. The other trip was to Tofino for a friend's wedding but it was a busy time and I was only off for 1 day.

So this trip is the first vacation in far too long.

We are booked to fly into Reagan National on March 3. A friend of mine will pick us up and we'll stay with her that evening. The next day, we'll meet up with another friend from Maryland and tour the beautiful city of Annapolis. My niece isn't sure about this, but like I said to her, any chance to see a new city is a good experience.

On Monday, we'll go into Washington and book into a hotel close to the Smithsonian - my main reason for wanting to go back to the city. In my trip to the city in 1999, it was one thing I missed seeing. I also want my niece to see all the rest of the landmarks.

On Wednesday morning, we'll hop a train up to New York city arriving in the afternoon at Penn Station.

From there, it's a short cab ride over to the same hotel I stayed in when I travelled there in 1999. Close to Time Square with beautiful rooms, I was surprised to see it had stayed so resonably priced!

The next four days are up in the air. We have so much we want to see in Manhattan but no set plans. I've requested tickets to show tapings, and we will definitely catch a Broadway show or two, but other than that, we just plan to take it easy and see where the adventure takes us.

We fly out on Sunday morning.

I find my mind starting to wander these days and start thinking about the trip. I really haven't let myself focus on anything in the future for so long, that it's hard to get my mind around the fact that we will be having this trip at all! It has been so hectic, so dramatic, so in-the-moment for months now that I am well ready for a break.

So any suggestions? What should we see?

In other great news, CaliValleyGirl is now CaliValleyFiance! Go over and congratulate them!

That Weather

2007-01-09T19:41:00.001-08:00

Another week, another storm in Vancouver.

It seems that this season has been the worst in recent memory, having at least a dozen significant storms in the last several weeks. Significant enough to cause property damage that is.

I've been fortunate...the worst I've had to show for it is long commutes and a damaged eave from a heavy icicle.

But others not so much. Our BC Place Stadium stands dripping and damaged, as the roof was ripped open by a storm last week. Stanley Park, the jewel of Vancouver, is suffering heavy losses from the wind having felled several thousand trees.

My brother works up in Squamish and he reports his area is resembling a war zone with trees over everywhere. One area has estimated 14,000 (!!) trees down in one square kilometer. He works as a pipe layer so with the storms they have been unable to work as the ground has been too saturated.

A friend on Vancouver Island bought his first new truck ever, having spent years with second hand vehicles and was astonished to find the following day a huge tree had fallen right on top of it.

This afternoon, the wind began to howl at work. Then it caught the glass front door, whipped it back and it very nearly shattered. We had to secure it with a bungee cord.

My commute, normally an hour was nearly two and a half!

Tonight, I sit here watching the intermittent hail storms and the trees whip back and forth in 80km/h winds and wonder what possibly comes next. I believe snow is on the horizon and us Westcoasters just simply don't really do well with that stuff.

Constabulary

2007-01-08T18:46:00.000-08:00

In my continuing fascination with family history and general history, I was going through some old papers the other day. I am so fortunate to be the beneficiary of the many pieces of paper and photographs kept by my family over the years.

This includes many unique artifacts that as time goes by is proving to be more than just a heartwarming link to my ancestors. Recently, I uncovered something quite significant.

This is the armoured vehicle my grandfather drove during his stint in the Royal Irish Constabulary. He served with them during the midst of 'The Troubles' beginning in 1918 and leaving when the disbandment happened in 1922.

It is something we were always raised not to speak of. The Troubles. The Irish story. He left his beloved country in April 1922, during the aftermath of one of most stunning assassinations of our time. Michael Collins.

When he came here, he built a new life and left that one alone. But his home country never truly left.

The picture above has the notation 'Scorpion given over to the Free State Army 1922'. What has always intrigued me about this photo is the obvious historic significance of it. Not to mention the Model-T car in the background.

I've tried to search the internet to find more detail but have not had a lot of luck. It seems quite a few shared my Grandad's quiet resolve to let that time go quietly. Sure, there's a lot about the Sein Fein. The IRA. But not so much about the RIC, or the Royal Irish Constabulary.

This weekend, I found this picture. It is that same tank some time before but was seriously damaged by years of improper storage. The original was so yellowed that I was surprised to discover upon the first few stretches of restoration that there was a name on the tank. At first, I thought it said 'Scorpion' but I am not so sure. Maybe something in Gaelic, perhaps?

My Grandad unfortunately is covered by a nasty stain. I am new at restoration and not at all skilled. I am taking it one pixel at a time.

The most intriguing part though is the response I received from an Irish museum. I casually forwarded these pictures to them to gauge their response. Apparently, only two of these armoured vehicles are still in existence and there are no known photographs of them during their service in Ireland.

It would seem this find is a little more than just an heirloom. It's a piece of the past that has been missing. I am working with the museum now to donate copies of the restored photos for their display.

Two Years

2007-01-07T17:23:00.000-08:00

Little Dude is not so little these days. Our little Pirate turned 2 this week and today was his birthday party. I had a cake made by a friend and it turned out phenomenal once again. She has a side business called Delectible Edibles and it certainly does live up to it's name.

The kids were given pirate hats and eye patches. "Shiver Me Timbers" and "Arrrrrr! Matey!" were the words of the day.

It was a fun time, but I am home and exhausted tonight. Definitely improving over last week but it's a bit slower than I would have expected.

My Dad is also improving but it is scary just how sick he has been. Yesterday he asked when I have my operation, and had no recollection of driving me to the hospital at all.

Update

2007-01-04T20:30:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a little longer to bounce back than I thought I would.

The surgery was a success. Relatively simple and a great experience at the hospital. The nurses were fantastic and everyone treated me very well. They have sent the results to pathology and I'll have things confirmed in about a weeks' time that there's nothing further to worry about.

I left and had a few hours when I thought this was going to be a piece of cake. Apparently however, reality set in during the night when the freezing wore off. Since then, it has been somewhat challenging.

So I've been sleeping a lot and have decided to take the rest of the week off to recouperate. I had hoped to go in tomorrow but things just aren't working quite in the way they need to be.

Tylenol #3 is my friend. In a big way right now.

In the midst of this, we have a little crisis brewing with my Dad. He has been declining in the last 10 days healthwise, and it's not like he was ever truly well after the surgery either. He's become a vacant shell. He is confused and befuddled and not at all the person we know.

It became even more apparent in the last couple days. When he drove me to the hospital the other morning, it was terrible. I thought I'd have to tell him to pull over and let me drive. He was completely unaware of where he was.

My Mom and I talked about the possibility of a stroke. We had been warned that this was a possible complication to a heart bypass. In any case, we knew he needed medical care.

Today, my Mom convinced him to go to the doctor. He may be vacant and confused, but he is also angry and not easy to deal with. But he agreed that something wasn't right.

It looks like he has a severe chest infection. They did x-rays and lab tests and everything pointed to a fairly severe infection. It would explain most of his symptoms and thankfully is not a stroke. It is serious though, and he needs to go back tomorrow to have the labs redone. If they're not significantly improved, he will likely need a couple days back into the hospital.

So no rest from the drama here, unfortunately. But at the same time, if there is one thing learned, it's to take one thing and one moment at a time.

Down and Out

2007-01-01T20:29:00.000-08:00

So, tomorrow I'm having my operation. A hysteroscopy. It's not a big deal in the scheme of things but I am a little more nervous than I'd like. Right now, I just wish it was all over with.

I spoke with the unit nurse tonight and she calmed a few fears that I had. Now, it's just a matter of getting over it and moving on.

With that, blogging will be light until I'm upright again.

Happy New Year!

2006-12-31T11:36:00.001-08:00

I do try not to make true resolutions but this year, I definitely have one. And that is to give my all to my photography and try and make a go of it.

That means more contests, more event photography, introducing myself as a 'professional' and of course, getting my website live.

Happy New Year to all, and I hope 2007 is your best year!

Jigsaw

2006-12-31T11:21:00.000-08:00

I have always had a fascination with genealogical history...not just the dates and numbers but who these people, my ancestors were. Where they lived, what they were like. Bringing history to life for me, imagining my forebears living through times long ago. The picture below always amazed me from the time I was a little girl. Thinking that my Dad's grandmother lived in the hoop-skirted world was amazing to me.

As I started to research her story, it became clear to me there was much to find out. This is what I wrote in my old blog in May 2005.

Jane Herkes was born in 1855 in Stenton, Haddington, Scotland to James Herkes and his wife, Janet Hastie. She was the youngest of 4 and the only daughter.

Jane lived a fairly eventful life by the standard of the day, passing away in Vancouver, BC at her daughter, Jennie's on January 29, 1941 at the age of 85.

She married her first husband, Mr. Porter around 1875. Unfortunately, I have yet to find his first name or much information about him, other than she loved him deeply. However, what I do know, is during their short marriage, they had three children: James (b. 1878), Mary (b. 1879) and Janet Margaret (b. 1881).

It would seem 1881 was a difficult time, as both Mr. Porter and Mary passed away in the first few months of that year. Jane became a single mother of one with a baby on the way.

On June 21, 1881, she married her new husband, Andrew Wilson Thomson - a coffin maker and shipwright. It would seem this marriage was arranged hastily as she was pregnant and he was from her church. They left left Scotland to take up residence in Southshields, Durham, England.

James went to live with relatives of their father in Scotland, and although still kept in some contact with the family, seem to have been abandoned by his mother. Janet (called Jessie) also went back to Scotland after her birth. They were seldom spoke of after that and when they were, they were called cousins by my grandmother. I guess half-siblings were not as accepted back then. Census records showed though that they did come back later to live with their mother for a time.

Jane and Andrew had a family of four in Northern England. Andrew was the eldest, followed by Herkes (b. 1883), my grandmother Jennie (b. May 1890), and Wilson (b. 1895).

She was always a difficult personality, and even her daughter left home at age 12 to get away from the turmoil in the house. Later, Jennie moved to Canada to join her children. She lived with the lifelong bachelor Wilson for a while, and finally came to live with her daughter, Jennie Bryant in Vancouver. Jane would be a cantankerous lady and often smack Jennie's children with her cane as they went by.

In Jennie's daughter, Phyllis's words:

When I was about 15 (1940), Uncle Wilson was having trouble with Grandma (because of her age), and moved out here with her to stay with Mom and Dad. She wasn’t very easy to get along with, and was determined that was the way to go, so Dad built a six-foot trellis across the back to get her mind off of it, and one day, we looked out and she was climbing up it (she was over 80 at the time!). She used to drink her tea with the teaspoon sticking up out of the cup, and when I would say, “Grandma, you’ll poke your eye out”, she would say, “It’s MY eye, isn’t it?”

Once, when I was home alone with her and in the bathroom, I heard the front door close. I ran to the window to see Grandma trotting up the street. I didn’t have my dress on, my hair was wet, and I pulled on a coat and ran along 59th Avenue after her. I had to pull her home, with her yelling at me all the way.

In the photograph above, my Aunt Phyllis claimed 'the old bat was pinching me when they took that picture'. My Dad, the youngest, seems pretty unconcerned though.

Recently, I received an email from a lady in Oregon. She had found my details on a genealogy website and was sure she was from the same family.

My friend in England gave me your address. I am the grand-daughter of James Porter and Isabella Daley Porter and am researching the two families. James had two half-brothers who went to Canada sometime in the twenties (Ithink) with their mother Jane Herkes Porter Thomson. Are you descended fromeither Andrew or Wilson ?

I wrote back, very excitedly as it was obvious that she was our missing link. Not only that, it seemed she didn't have a full picture of our family either.

I was thrilled to receive two pictures from her, essentially fitting together two pieces of our jigsaw puzzle.

Her photo of Jane in 1881 is just before her wedding to my great-grandfather. In the picture above, she's holding James and wearing Widow's Weeds (mourning attire). She would have also been pregnant in this photo.

She also had another photo to share, showing my grandmother in much happier times in Canada.

Taken by her son, in Ontario after arriving in Canada in the 20s. It makes me look forward to digging deeper. She was obviously an angry woman, but it may have been circumstance that made her that way.

I hope to find out.

The Walls Have Stories

2006-12-29T20:54:00.000-08:00

If there is one thing I've learned, it is that everything and everybody has a story. All you have to do is listen.

Tonight, my brother told a story of a friend of his. While growing up in Ontario, Don's neighbour would always come help the kids set up their hockey nets in the street. The neighbour didn't have any children of his own, and seemed not to want to talk too much but was there for the kids. He was a surrogate father to many on that street and they knew him as Mr. D. Many years later, when Don went back to his hometown for Mr. D's funeral, his widow handed him a box. 'He'd have wanted you to have this, Don', she said. Inside were a variety of medals that Mr. D had earned during WWII. One of those medals was the Victoria Cross, the Commonwealth's highest honour. He never even realized that Mr. D had served. Don couldn't accept that gift but he did ensure they found their way to a war memorial museum so all could appreciate Mr. D's quiet sacrifice.

I work in an old building. When I first arrived at my new job, I was a little taken aback by the sparse setting and the aging office equipment. My file cabinet has wooden handles and notations of company account numbers that have long ceased business.

On the site, we have a very ancient factory that has had many incarnations over the last several decades. In a town where nothing is over a century, our 75 year old factory raises an eyebrow. But times are changing and the building has been cleared out for eventual demolition.

Last week, I received a call from the owner of the company. I was flattered to be asked to do a photographic session to capture the essence of the building before it's eventual tear-down.

It was a unique gift, and one that is continuing to inspire me.

These old-growth beams are no longer used. They are 12" x 12" cedar, and will be salvaged. Likely for use in upscale 'rustic' homes that are becoming fashionable of late. As I walked through the site with the foreman, we talked of the days that this was a booming industry.

This building once housed the fabrication shop that helped build the warships in both World Wars. In World War II, the company had the distinction of being one of the first to hire women machinists. Rosie The Riveter worked here.

Ghosts? As we walked through, I could feel an essence. Be it a spirit, or just many years of sweat and hard work, there was a pronounced feeling about the place. If these walls could talk, they'd tell you of the men and women who toiled here. They would tell you about the boss who pushed a little too hard, the product that never came out exactly as it could and the pride when something did go right. They would tell you of the quiet gratification of seeing a large project leave the premises after many months of hard labour.

How many hands have touched this spout in the last 75 years? I aim to find out. In doing this shoot, I was inspired by something deeper. I want to tell the stories of this place.

When I returned to my office after doing my walkthrough, I was humbled by the number of people who came by my desk to tell me a story about their time down in 'the shop'. This is such a small handful of the people who worked there, and while the day to day grind may get one down, it is the big picture that is proving to be the story here. I will be proposing to management to create a booklet of memories and photographs that will tell take the oral out of the history and make it permanent.

What a fitting end to a building that has held so many memories for so many people.

And most just think I work in an old, decrepit building. Scratching the surface is often worth the effort.

Memories are made of this

2006-12-26T16:23:00.000-08:00

A few pictures from the events of the last few days.

"You look BEAUTIFUL, Nana", she exclaimed. "You look like the ENTIRE ocean!"

This is a vision we weren't sure was possible. My Dad may be not the person he was a few months ago, but he is here. And the beautiful thing about children is that they don't see the tiredness, the frustration, and the lingering difficulties...they only see Papa.

Overwhelmed and unsure, but he quickly settled into it.

Sisters are sisters, no matter what age they are.

And of course, no Christmas is complete without the pudding and hard sauce!

It was a fabulous Christmas in so many ways. Many wonderful family memories and a true feeling of how lucky we are to have each other.

And I am now the proud owner of a wireless router again. So looks like blogging will become a LOT easier now.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-25T09:07:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to all!

I made a little video of Christmases past but for some reason, Beta Blogger is not being easy today.

So instead of embedding it, click here.

May this day be full of lifelong memories.

Friends

2006-12-22T11:57:00.000-08:00

During this holiday season, I keep coming back to the thought of how much I appreciate the family and friends I have around me.

I've been wanting to do a post to highlight some of my good friends in the blogworld, but I was initimidated by the fact that I might just unintentially miss someone. If I do, please don't take it personally. It is merely an oversight by an overly exhausted soul.

Over the past two years, I have been blessed by the acquaintance and friendships of people the world over and I am incredibly thankful for that. You've been there through my triumphs as well as some more, shall we say, character building moments. Even if I don't blog as often as I used to, a day does not go by that I don't think of my friends.

On that note, I'd like to highlight and introduce a few people who are special to me. Stop by their place and have a look around, if you haven't heard of them before.

My newest friend, Patti. She is a photographer extraordinaire in Ontario. I met her through a scrapbooking club called Scraptivity! It's a very warm friendly place where I've gained many an inspiration. I was Patti's Secret Santa this season, and I think I enjoyed it as much as she did.

Devon has become one of my most cherished friends and I hope we can arrange to meet when I travel to New York in the spring. She is an accomplished writer, and her unfaltering support has meant much to me. Even though she has had her difficulties of late with Situations, she has not lost her strong spirit and I admire that.

I met Teresa in February in Vegas and she was every bit as warm-hearted in person as she is on her blog. Her ex-husband is on his way to Iraq shortly and I wish him a safe and speedy return.

Monica is an amazingly strong person and though this year has been exceedingly difficult for her in her personal life, her gift for telling stories and her ability to be a strong voice through adversity makes me proud to call her a friend. Because of her, young veterans are beginning to get the help they need as they return stateside after their tour of duty.

Then there's Shannon. Keep her and her family in your hearts and prayers as she faces this Christmas with her husband on active duty in Iraq. Her writing is inspirational, often humourous and always worth taking the time for. Recently, she wrote about a stirring picture that touched me too. She has been there for me time and time again, and she does so with grace, dignity and pride.

Jennifer is a friend of Teresa's. I began reading her blog a bit ago and found her to be very interesting. She and I share some hobbies, including scrapbooking and photography. The mom to 3 beautiful boys, she always has a warm thought or a quick wit to share. Recently, a friend of hers lost her young child and she has been using her blog as a tribute in a very caring way.

Karen, my Utah-ian buddy. Another avid photographer, but she can write beautiful poetry too! To be able to marry those two together is a true gift. This year has been also difficult for Karen, as her Dad has gone through a very serious health problem. As I nursed my own Dad back (and continue to do so), I have felt Karen's kindred support as we both shared a challenging time in our lives.

Red - ok, so he's Red in the blogosphere but I know him by his real name. Actually, we've been friends for what? 11 years? How crazy is that? One day I will write about how we met and the group we are part of that made both of our lives richer. He was also part of a group of friends who attended a wedding in '99 in Washington, DC that was likely the best vacation I have ever had. He has been there for me through the years, picking me up at Heathrow when I visited London and generally being everything a good friend is. Thank you, James, for everything.

On that note, Ian...same group as above. Again, that deserves a post of it's own. Ian was with us in Vegas this year, and I just wish it could have been for longer. We have shared several holidays now...New York (although that wasn't so much a holiday for him as it was Tour Guide 101), Edmonton and Vegas.

Dave, the Marinade King. He's gone through his health troubles this year too (glad to hear things are improving Dave!) but his stories are some of the most interesting out there. Be it a story about himself and his hatred of needles, or about past colleagues, or of his brother's army service, he's always got something intriguing to talk about. If that wasn't enough, more than once, he's been there for me to give me a little pick-me-up or teasing as needed. A good man, Dave is.

Bob - what list wouldn't be complete without Trucker Bob. He hasn't been able to blog as much as he used to and I miss his stories of the days on the road as a commercial trucker. Often, I'd find myself telling his stories around the dinner table much to the amusement of my family. This year, he's seen his own health issues as well as those close to him. I wish him and his family well. He deserves it.

For a little Canadian content, check out WestCoast Chaos. He's from my province, and most times, I find myself talking to the screen 'Yeah, what he said!' Beyond that though, super great guy and I do owe him a beer next time he's in town!

Speaking of Canadian content, two of the best female writers in the Canadian blogosphere - Canadianna and The Last Amazon. I met them, and WCC when I wrote for the Red Ensign Bloggers. Not only well-written, well-researched and well-educated, but geniunely wonderful women too.

If you get a chance, check out ArmyWifeToddlerMom's adventures with her little ones.

CaliValleyGirl's back in the States after living in Germany and through the deployment of her boyfriend to Afghanistan. Always thought provoking, always worth the time.

It's funny to think that a chance meeting in Hawaii over two years ago could have just been a disasterous romance gone wrong. Instead, it became the seed that allowed me to open myself up to blogging, to writing in general and to meeting some wonderful people. Not to mention, even if I am no longer a military girlfriend, I still feel the support and warmth of a military family. That is no small compliment...I am proud to feel part of such a wonderful group and to show my support for the troops every chance I can.

I will do another post shortly of some of my daily blog reads. I think most of you probably already know of them, but there may be one or two that might interest you too.

But now it's time to have a rest. The next few days will be busy but there will be many pictures to show for it!

The Log Channel

2006-12-21T12:22:00.000-08:00

Just to clear up something from my last post, the Log Channel is just simply that. A video of a fireplace. If you google 'The Fireplace Channel' or 'The Log Channel', there are several sites on the topic.

It's very kitschy (and no, I probably haven't spelled that correctly!), and there's not much to it. But it gets us giggling with the tape of the bejewelled hand that comes in to move the logs every 15 minutes or so.

At first, you'd think it was silly but somehow it's a tradition that has caught on in our household. I even have a picture of it, but somehow Blogger is not playing nice today with pictures.

Continued Traditions

2006-12-21T10:09:00.000-08:00

In my previous post, I talked a little about our pre-Christmas celebrations and traditions. I loved the comments posted and it made me realize I'd missed a lot of what we do.

Devon talked about 'Booksing Day'. I just love that term! So much I may have to adopt it. In our family, books are an important part of the day too. We always give each other books for Christmas.

This year, I've given my Dad a book by Pierre Berton called 'Klondike'. It's about the gold rush, which my Dad has invested interest in. His mom's brother used to live in a shack near Yale, working the river. He has many fond memories of spending time with his Uncle Wilson panning for gold in the 1930s. Since his heart attack, he's talked a lot more of these times - much to our interest.

For my Mom, I bought a book called 'The Wreckage'. A love story of the troubles that a Protestant woman and a Catholic man faced as they fell in love in Newfoundland many years ago. It reminded me of my own grandparents struggles as they left Ireland for similar reasons.

For myself, I bought Bryce Courtenay's newest. He is definitely a favourite author of mine, but not well known in North America. We are a year behind publishing on most of his titles, so I've arranged with a bookseller in Australia to send me his latest release. It costs me a pretty penny to have the hard cover shipped from overseas, but I've yet to be disappointed. This year's gem is "Sylvia". A departure from his usual tales of South Africa and Australia, this one tells the story of a child's revolt in Europe in the 12th Century. So far, it's riveting.

Patti mentioned hard sauce. This is also another family tradition that I would sorely miss if it didn't happen. My Mom makes the Christmas pudding in the traditional Scottish way that her mother-in-law taught her. I remember seeing the pudding being strung from the cheesecloths and then boiled to perfection. The hard sauce, a combination of icing sugar, butter and rum, is surely a treat to behold. I must admit, though, that I haven't taken the time to learn how to make it myself and each time, I realize how precious this tradition is.

On even years, we go to my Brother #3's for Christmas Eve. This means we spend time with the little ones, which essentially is what Christmas is all about. Watching the wonderment in the children's eyes makes the whole season special. This year, they are 5 and 2. Perfect ages for the making of a great evening. We also track Santa on Norad, or listen to the updates on the radio. For dinner, we typically have ham and all the trimmings.

Christmas morning comes early. My mom - even in her 70s - is still just a big kid. She wakes up early and calls me at my house to rouse me. I'm usually up though. I pop the presents into the car, pick my Aunt up on the way and head to my parent's place. We open presents, watch 'The Log Channel' on TV and have breakfast. I take my Aunt back home and then come back to my place to reload the presents for the next trip.

In the afternoon, we head out to Brother #2's house for a visit. Brother #4 comes over with his girls as well. My SIL always does an amazing spread of appetizers. They've moved into a new house this year, so I'm interested to see how they've decorated for Christmas. It's hard to believe my brother is now an empty-nester and has downsized his house. Time flies so quickly.

In the evening, we head to Brother #1's house for dinner. My SIL's family joins us as well. We have the traditional turkey and trimmings. The stuffing my SIL makes is legendary. There is never any left!

Boxing Day is a day of visiting. We visit mostly at my Aunt's and catch up with the cousins. Their family is just as large as ours so there's a lot of visiting. Boxing Day also used to be a time for my other Aunt to have us for dinner. She would have all four of my brothers and myself over and put on an amazing spread. More food than could feed double the number, but sadly, she is no longer able to. The last couple years she did put it on, my brother #3 and I spent more time in the kitchen than she did. She just simply was past it. Now she clearly suffers from dementia, which means those times are now just a memory.

By the end of it, although I love my family dearly, I am quite happy to have some down time. It's a busy time for all, and while I don't begrudge any of it, having to drive all over to each brother's home does get taxing.

Merry Christmas to all, if I don't get a chance to post before. May your families travel safe and create wonderful memories during this precious season!

Holiday Traditions

2006-12-18T18:44:00.000-08:00

When I was growing up, our big Christmas adventure was our Christmas Eve dinner at a restaurant. For a family of 5 children, it was a treat to go out for dinner and we looked as forward to that evening as much as we did the Jolly Old Elf who would later visit us.

In the early years, it was to a Chinese restaurant. It certainly wasn't typical Asian food, but more a hybrid Western fusion that used to be considered Chinese food in North America. We loved it...I always ordered a milkshake - a decadent treat we only got at Christmas. Later, we started going to an Italian place. The owners eventually got to know us and always treated us to the specials on Christmas Eve. We would have lobsters (of course, thinking back now it was really just jumbo shrimp but we didn't know at the time) and left feeling stuffed and fulfilled.

When my brothers got married and had their little ones, we changed the tradition to an afternoon out and a movie for the kids. It was always an adventure with my parents and I herding 8 Christmas-hyped children through the mall for McDonalds and a movie. Each year became a little more strategic as the kids grew up and became a little more independant.

This became a cherished memory as they, too, grew up. My nieces and nephews are all in their 20s now, yet they remember 'Nana's Christmas Movie' as some of their fondest childhood memories. It was good for us to get the kids without the parents around for some quality time, and great for my brothers to give them some extra time without the kids to get ready for Christmas.

We realized this year that Ms. Thang is old enough now to re-ignite the movie tradition. She's nearly 5 now and well able to sit through a movie. Yesterday, my Mom and I took her to see 'Charlotte's Web'.

It made us think about how important these times are. These traditions. However, small. They connect the generations and the years. For Hayley, she's still a little young to understand why it's so important but her mother was thrilled.

What does your family do around the holidays? What tradition do you follow?

Ignorance

2006-12-16T09:48:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot in the last 24 hours. It has been difficult to process a lot of things but even harder still when presented with pure ignorance.

I have debated, once again, writing about some of the conversations I've had in the past 24 hours because I was concerned about offending anyone who reads this blog. But then it dawned on me. This is MY blog. MY feelings. No one seemed concerned yesterday about how I felt.

Yesterday, I went to work feeling very sad about the previous night's occurances. I called my niece as quickly as I was able to in the morning and found out the inside track of the story. I won't recant here out of respect to those involved, except to say this is a deep tragedy on all levels. There have been three incidents in that department this week alone. One fellow officer was hit by a drunk driver during a roadblock and is now left seriously broken in the hospital. Another fellow officer found out his child had inoperable brain cancer.

So to have this tragedy hit was jarring to even the most senior members.

I came into work and most people knew my brother was a member of that particular department. There were a few that were more than sympathetic. It's interesting to note, though, that those were people with military or police backgrounds themselves.

Meanwhile, some of the most ignorant comments I've heard left me raw and hurting the rest of the day.

One of my colleaques, upon hearing the story, asked (with attempted sincerity), "Is it really true that officers have ticket quotas? And when they're finished they can go home?"

I scoffed. I didn't realize anyone believed that urban legend any longer.

A girl beside her piped in "Yes, they do. I know they do".

"Absolutely not", I responded - probably sharper than I should have, "Where do you get that information?"

She was ready to debate it. I however was not. Simply said, I growled at her something to the effect of when she has actually proof, come talk to me.

My boss was a bigger agitator. "Can you believe in this storm that when I drove past the police department I saw at least TWELVE uniformed officers in a MEETING in a lit room when all the rest of us were dealing with power outages? What gives them the right to use a generator when the rest of us suffer?"

Um, your safety?

I said "Don't you think it's more effective for them to actually meet to discuss their plan during a storm that to go off without any direction at all?"

He continued "Well, they should have closed the blinds or something."

Excuse me?

Not many people understood the impact of the shooting itself and that was a little hard to take. Oh, it's part of the job, I heard. Sure, the job itself is more dangerous than most but a shooting of a friend does not make it any less painful.

Think of that guy that you have coffee with at your office. The one you don't really know but say hi to in the halls.

Now imagine him being shot during the work day and watching the paramedics perform CPR right in front of you.

Not so easy to take.

I am just so tired of arguing. Of defending. There are bad apples in every profession. People who colour reputations of an entire profession. Accountants are boring, Sales people are aggresive. It doesn't mean everyone is and it's a disservice to think so.

Tonight is my Christmas party. I am in two minds about it, but since I've been asked to do the photography I will go. I hope it will give me a few hours of enjoyment in what has been a truly challenging couple of days.

(oh, and by the way, I did jinx myself after all....)

Heart In Mouth

2006-12-14T18:08:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I remember a little too clearly what it is to have a brother in the police force.

An officer - a brother in blue to my own brother - was shot tonight in a local suburb, the same one my brother works out of.

He will survive, thanks to the bullet proof vest he wore. The physical injuries are minor but the reverberations to his psyche, his family's, his colleagues and the families of his colleagues will take much longer.

I drove home blissfully unaware tonight. It's raining on the coast. I'd forgotten my cell phone at home, and decided to turn on the Christmas Carols and tune out the world. No conversations, no radio, just time to myself.

I get home to find 7 messages on the phone. All from my niece telling me to call her before I turn on the news.

My heart was in my mouth as I called her back.

"There was a shooting", she told me. I felt a deepening in my chest.

"Your Dad's at work today, right?", I asked, mentally calculating my brother's schedule. He's on the desk now. After 25 years on the beat, he took the front counter desk job after last year's heart attack. He is a beat cop, through and through. He loves the social atmosphere. Helping people. He'll tell you about taking a bad guy down a peg when needed, but his true stories are those about the children and the homeless people he's befriended over the years. His favourite show is Adam-12 and he often remarks that they should show it at the academy for training purposes.

"No, it's not him. We don't know who it is. But Dad's staying at work until things settle down."

I started rattling off names. Is it Red? Is it ... ? Listing off all the names of the friends who have graced my brother's couch during football season over the years. Is it...Oh, god, don't tell me it's Baby Cop!? A couple weeks ago, my niece and I took the kids down to the Santa Claus Parade. My brother was directing traffic with an officer who looked far too young to be doing the job. My niece yelled out to the guy. "My Aunt called you a Baby Cop!", she teased. He smiled broadly and stood proudly, "14 months on the job, ya know, but I'm doing what I've wanted to do all my life!" I couldn't help but grin.

That was the same day we met a homeless lady named Laura at the parade. She proudly introduced herself as my brother's friend. When we told her we were his family, she smiled a big toothy grin "Well, then you're my family too". She was in her late 50s, with ripped dirty clothes and a strong unwashed aura about her. We watched the parade with Laura, grabbing freebies from the vendors and giving them to her every chance we got. She told us how she always loved to run into my brother because he'd make sure she had a warm coffee and a snack.

"I honestly don't know, Auntie Sue", she said - bringing me back from the memory. "We only know it's not a veteran".

My reverie gone, I began to feel sick.

My brother's journey to driving a desk has been a rollercoaster. He's been shot at, he's been involved many precarious situations, and he's been in severe car accidents. But his career has been typical of every policeman out there. He's never once complained. Oh sure, he has his days when the world gets him down, but he's spent his life doing what he's always wanted to do and being surrounded by those who do too. Because of him, there are at least two boys who grew up to be police officers.

We were happy to hear he'd been transferred to desk duty. No more night shifts, no more scary nights when we knew anything could happen. But desk duty is not without it's dangers either. When I was 10, a police constable in my hometown was shot as he came around the corner to help someone who came in. That young constable left a wife and two young daughters.

It stuck with me from that tender age. My brother had just been through the academy at the time. I began to understand what it was like to be a police officer's sister even back then.

Police officer shootings in Canada has become all too common. Mayerthorpe alone last year cost us 4 of our finest. We have long prided ourselves on being the kinder, gentler nation in North America but we're no longer able to claim that.

A couple of weeks ago, 3 officers were shot in Winnipeg. That barely even hit the national news, yet 3 families suffered through that call we all most dread. I felt for those families, both blood and badge. I did a quick search to try and gain more knowledge into the event. The vitriol spewed forth infuriated me. "That poor man was only defending his home", one blogger vented. "The damned pigs must have scared him to death". Keeping in mind that those officers were there to serve a search warrant on a drug house. Scared to death? Well, maybe you should stop pushing drugs and ruining my country, then!

There was, however, an insightful article, "Police Shooting Hits Home" that struck a cord. Mike notes:

"Unfortunately, Thursday’s shooting has only reaffirmed a message that all
police officers learned a long time ago. When they put on the uniform,
they are also wearing a target. "

Sad world we live in.

Tonight, I wait for word on my brother's badge brother. I wish him a speedy recovery, both mentally and physically. He has good support.

Update:

I originally took this post down last night after hearing that this incident was the tragic result of friendly fire. During a takedown of a crack house, a fellow officer fired his weapon and hit his brother. There are many criticisms in the media these days about police officers, and I wasn't quite sure how to deal with this on my blog.

My first reaction was to circle the wagons. Take the post offline and hide. But that's not the right answer. I have however edited my post slightly so that it is not easily found by Google searches.

I often hear people slag police officers but I have learned, through the years, to disengage myself from it. Arguing inflames the situation, so staying quiet often difuses it. Even The Dude was very disrespectful towards the police, and it caused a great rift between us. One that made me lose a lot of respect for him.

When an officer fires a weapon, it is a split second decision. They are trained to react. But they are also human. My heart goes out to not only the officer shot this morning, but also the officer who fired his weapon.

I know them both, I know their families and I know how much everyone is hurting this morning. My heart weeps for all.

My Favourite Place

2006-12-14T11:34:00.000-08:00

First off, I'd like to apologize for my absence around here. Lots of things percolating behind the scenes, and this new Blogger Beta is causing some headaches. It's not so easy just to pop in for a few seconds and with the busy days, it's hard to find time.

My Favourite Place...can you guess where that might be?

As I walked into our local bookstore, I realized how much it fills me with a deep calmness and enjoyment. It's somewhere I don't often go, simply because I get so enthralled with the pages that surround me.

I don't see books. I see hopes, dreams, frustration, hard work and accomplishment.

Sure, the books catch my eye. But I see the people behind them. I see that lady who upon moving to the US from Vancouver, decided to fulfill her dream and began writing in her walk-in closet. I see that man over there who, as a boy in an boarding school in 1940s Africa always wanted to tell stories.

As I meander through the aisles, I see late nights, writer's blocks, searching for those right words that just won't come. I see the people who help them, researching strange facts just to make sure the story works.

I see first drafts, second drafts, third, fourth and so on. I see hearts and souls poured into pages that ultimately face the worst critic other than themselves...their publisher.

And I see the wait to get it into print, and the indescribable joy of seeing your own name on the cover.

I also see the crestfallen feeling as the realization hits that your book is only one of thousands, and that your voice is only one of a crowd.

That's why my trips to bookstores always end up in the purchase of several discounted books, like forgotten little gems in a massive treasure chest. It's where I have stumbled over my most favourite authors.

That's also why I have one full room devoted to books. 6 ceiling high bookcases, filled to overflowing and not able to part with a single one.

Calendars

2006-12-10T15:18:00.000-08:00

Taken from an idea through Flickr Toys and using an old CD case with the bottom installed upside down, this is my Christmas gift to my family and friends this year.

I've been giving out samples to a couple of close friends recently and have had some great feedback, so I figured it wold be a good way to show off my photography.

Christmas is for kids

2006-12-10T15:03:00.000-08:00

Today was our Kids' Christmas party for work. It was held at a local skating rink and this was the first time I'd ever taken Miss Thang and Little Dude to something like this. It meant a couple hours driving this morning but it was worth it.

Miss Thang had only ever been on skates once before, but she took to it like a fish to water. She was so independant and each time she lost her footing, I would get a stern warning 'I will DO this MYSELF'. This little girl needs skating lessons! I'll bet by next year she'll be spinning circles around us.

When Santa came out, we were the first in line. Santa truly was happier than this picture shows, but he was just warming up at this point.

And just to prove a point, I also got on skates for the first time in 20 years. Holy crap, I forgot how much they hurt your feet! It was like riding a bike to some degree, and I found my stride fairly quickly but the pain of those torture chambers crunching my bones didn't sit well. So I wasn't on them for long.

It did, though, feel good to realize how far I've come in a year. Last year, I was on crutches with my knee!

Operation

2006-12-07T19:35:00.000-08:00

Well, the good news is I don't have to wait too much longer for my little operation.

On January 2, I will undergo the minor female procedure that is intended to allow me a life of less chronic pain.

I thought I was ok with it. I found out a couple weeks ago, and put it out of my mind, but now it seems looming.

The doctor has assured me that I only need 2-3 days recouperation time. I have arranged for my niece to stay with me for the few days that I'll need her.

I'm cautiously optimistic that this is the beginning of the end of these rather unpleasant problems that have surfaced. It would sure be nice not to have to take codeine every day just to function.

Bloglebrity

2006-12-07T19:28:00.000-08:00

Are you an A-List Blog or somewhere down the line? Click here.

Who knew?

Pet Peeves

2006-12-06T09:11:00.000-08:00

Everyone has them. I try not to have many but there have been a few that have been popping up lately.

Restaurants.

The degree or type of spicyness is NOT always a preference. When I ask a server if it something is spicy, it is a medical issue. I can't eat anything in the pepper family. While I may even like it, it does not like me.

Last night, I ordered bruschetta. The menu said 'tomatoes, red onions, garlic and spices'. As usual, I ask what spices. None are peppers so I go ahead with the order.

It arrives to our darkly lit table, and looks fabulous. I take one bite, and to my horror, find a jalapeno in the mix. This is not just any pepper, but one that I have a severe intolerance for. I only had a sliver but that was enough. I ask the server again, and am told 'Oh sometimes, he just throws those in there to make it better'.

Better. Hmmm. Better meant I have been up since 2am, popping Immodium and reading. Which meant my 1 hour commute was, shall we say, a little heart stopping. When someone has an IBD, it's no different than an allergy or intolerance than people with peanut allergies have.

Yeah, better.

Shades of Grey

2006-12-05T08:28:00.000-08:00

I have been debating about this post for a few days now. I am a strong believer in jinxes. There is no earthly reason why I should not be able to shout certain things from the rooftops without them coming down. But they do.

So hesitantly, I proceed.

For the last year and a half, I've been developing a friendship with a salesman at one of my vendors. With this company and the one I worked for previously. He is a very sweet person, and one that I find much to talk about with.

Even during the whole Dude situation earlier in the year, he was supportive. Always a great shoulder when things were confusing and troubling.

I don't know when I started to see him differently. It was some months ago though. However, I'd only ever talked to him on the phone and through email.

Last August, I did a site visit to his company for work. It was no ordinary site visit. There were arms brushing, awkward glances and I noticed the girls at the front desk were watching how we interacted. I liked that. After the site tour, he and I went for lunch. It was liked getting together with a long lost friend, filled with nothing at all business like. We talked of his childhood, his family, his previous relationships. Before we knew it, it was 2 hours later. We both needed to return to work. I blamed heavy traffic on my late return to the office. I'm not sure what he used.

We kept talking over email for the next couple of weeks, but nothing serious. Sure, I was interested but I have no idea how to make a move or put myself out there. He's been through a lot too and is a bit on the shy side.

Then my Dad had his heart attack. I pulled away from pretty much everything. Turtled, big time.

A week and a bit ago, I got an email. 'Where'd you go? Get a boyfriend and forget me?', he asked.

What has happened since has surprised even me. I guess the colour slowly goes out of your world when you don't have something to look forward to. It's gradual and muted, so you don't notice.

The colours of my world are suddenly grippingly vibrant. I'm laughing more and smiling more than I thought I could.

The emails, several a day, make me grin from ear to ear. But I'm hesitant to share it with anyone, lest I jinx things.

He has asked me to go out with him for dinner and a movie. The catch, though, is when. We're working on that.

Today, life feels very good.

New Challenges

2006-11-28T19:28:00.000-08:00

I like to think I'm fairly self-sufficient but lately, I've started to wonder.

My Dad used to do an awful lot of little things around here that I guess I took for granted. I'm not against hard work, but at the same time, he loved to putter around here and fix things for me. Who was I to say no? Besides, it gave me time to do some of the things I'd rather be doing.

But this last month has taught me a thing or two.

One. Leaves do not fall in even piles. My big London Plane tree started with a trickle. Then there were a few more. The next thing I knew the whole tree did a bulimia impression on my backyard. It was two feet high in places.

Two. A leaf mulcher is only as good as the dry uncrumpled leaves you put in front of it. Given that this was my first time behind the tool, I wasn't quite sure what to expect. When I was 15, I ran over some electrical cords with the lawn mower. Some may have teased me that I wasn't supposed to be around power tools, but truth be known, it got me out of a tedious chore for many years. So, this leaf mulcher. I happily fill two bags of mulched leaves before I suddenly realize that what is going in is not coming out. The motor is going strong, but there's a funny smell. I turn it off, just to see a whiff of smoke pouring out the motor casing. This can't be good, can it?

Turns out picking up the dog's little presents to me before mulching is a whole lot easier than having to pick them out of a half mulched, half cooked slimey mess.

The next 4 bags of leaves were removed the old fashioned way. Garden gloves and elbow grease.

Three. When you turn on a light switch, you should expect to see light. My hallway lights are 10 ft above the floor, but I'm a little hesitant on ladders. After seeing my father fall off twice, I'm not too sure I want to try and emulate. But, one must have light. I haul the ladder into the hallway. Up I go to find the sconces have screws. Down again to the tool box, and change the lights. Flip the switch. Nada. No juice. This, of course, happened on the Sunday of a long weekend. I call in a favour to my nephew. I don't like asking for help. I will sit in the dark before I will call in a favour, but given the fact I nearly fell down the stairs twice in the night, it was not a light I could do without. Nephew arrives, in his cocky 22-year old, saviour mode. He looks up and down the wires and can't find the source of the problem. Finally, he makes a call to his boss for ideas. I hear them talking about having to rip down the wall to find the break. I hear myself saying 'You do what you have to. I trust you', with visions of slashed drywall all over my house. Just as he's putting the sconce back in it's place until he has more time to look, he notices the problem. The aluminum wire has come undone. Easy fix.

Four. Pipes. Apparently outside pipes burst when it freezes. I turned off the one in my backyard on the weekend, but completely forgot the one in the front yard. Until last night. And yes, it had frozen. 2 hours, warm cloths, and a hair dryer later, it's unfrozen. I will not be forgetting that lesson.

I also learned that my neighbour, although often commenting that I should always ask him for help, does not take kindly to a knock on his door in the evening. I guess his offer was rhetorical.

Five. Icicles dripping off the eves and down towards my front entrance apparently make the postman nervous. I wasn't offered mail delivery today. If it wasn't -15°C, I'd go deal with that, but they're mostly bills anyway, so another couple days won't hurt.

The next challenge on the list? My pilot light has gone out on my gas fireplace. It's about time I learned something new for my resume.

Snow Again

2006-11-27T19:55:00.000-08:00

The snow has more or less stopped falling. I am lucky with only about 14" to show for it, but many people I've talked to are in the 2-3 FOOT range. This is NOT normal for our little mild West Coast.

A friend of mine has been out of power and telephone for nearly 2 days now. It wouldn't be so bad, if she didn't have a 5 month old teething baby in need of formula. They've been making his eats on a Coleman stove but it's expected to hit -20 tonight. It's not going to be much fun for them. We've tried to convince them to go to my brothers tonight, but I'm not sure if they will take us up on it.

If you get past the horrendous roads, it really is beautiful. It took me just over 2 hours to get to work this morning, and it was white knuckle most of the way. However, it was just gorgeous. Trees glistening with fresh snow.

It truly is a work of art. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm a West Coaster through and through. I like my rain. I like mild temperatures. I want it back!

Snow Day

2006-11-26T12:19:00.000-08:00

It started last night. As I finished raking and bagging the last of the leaves, I noticed the odd flake. No big deal.

At 4:30 I left to drive to my brother's. I had to turn around 20 minutes later as the storm hit fullforce. When I couldn't see the car in front of me, I knew it was not a good time to drive on a highway.

This morning, pure beauty. Everywhere you look.

A short walk outside my door and I was greeted by wintery wildlife scenes whereever I looked.

The last time I saw a pheasant, I was 5. I knew they were around, but they're definitely rare around this area now.

It's definitely a good day to catch up on my inside jobs. And wonder how I'm getting work tomorrow!

Spreadin' The News

2006-11-24T09:26:00.000-08:00

In other, more upbeat news, I have booked my East Coast trip. Now that my Dad has improved enough, it was time to start looking forward and a vacation was definitely in order.

Yesterday, I booked my niece and I on a trip for 8 days. We fly into Washington National on March 3 and out of La Guardia on March 11.

We will be staying with friends in Virginia for the first couple of days. I am very much looking forward to catching up with them, as my quick visit in Vegas in Febraury wasn't under the greatest situations. From there, we'll be touring Washington, DC and Annapolis.

A train up to New York and we'll be spending the remainder of the week around Manhattan.

I can't wait. This will be over 2-1/2 years since I've had a proper vacation and it is sorely needed.

When to Take A Risk

2006-11-24T08:39:00.000-08:00

I have a hard time with trust. Trusting people, especially men takes a conscious effort and is a very difficult process for me. It makes the thought of a relationship very disconcerting and nerve-wracking.

In my non-blogging life, I like to make friends, and enjoy meeting new people. However, most remain on a very top level of my life and it is rare for someone to get any closer than that.

Part of this comes from past relationship foibles. An ex who told me shortly before our planned wedding (after we'd been together for 10 years, I might add) that he was unfaithful. It turned out to be more than that. The girl had been referring to herself as his girlfriend for 6 months previous.

I spend the next four years with a semi-pro baseball jock. He was serially unfaithful, and never claimed to be anything else. For him, it was liberating to be in an open relationship. For me, it was the evil you know versus the evil you don't. If I knew what he was doing, it wasn't cheating, now was it? What I didn't realize at the time was that it chipped away at my psyche and did even more damage. The relationship ended when I found him with a coworker of mine at a company Christmas party. The funny thing there though is that he is now my best male friend. We have been through so much together, and I will always have strong feelings for him, but I will never respect him.

I then started my spiral into long distance relationships. If they were in a different physical location, I could control things. I could decide when I wanted to talk and when I didn't. When I wanted to see them and still keep my life safe. The man from South Africa with the overbearing mother. The Brummie Austin Powers-meets-Harry Potter guy from England. And of course, NavyBoy, through both his tours of Iraq.

I decided to remain single after that, and did so until about a year ago, when someone reawakened the desire in me to have that male companionship. I'm not talking the physical here, but the emotional closeness that having a partner offers.

In the early summer, I decided to try a few of the dating online services. The response was laughable. While I try not to be judgmental, if by the age of 40, you still have a paper route, there may be some larger issues to deal with. When your Top 3 things you can't live without are 'Sex, my good looks and money', your 'deep as a teasonpoon' philosphy may need a little work.

So when a couple weeks ago, I got an email from a fellow that seemed genuine, it caught my eye. I wrote, intrigued and he wrote back regularly. While I found myself more and more interested, I also found those old familiar feelings of distrust bubbling below the surface. I cautioned him that I was working through this issue, and that for that to help, I needed his openness. He agreed.

This week, suddenly things changed. It went from 1 email a day to 6-8. He started phoning up to 10 times a night. I found out that his 17-year marriage had only recently failed and he was still working through custody issues (with children he had yet to have even mentioned). I was disconcerted to say the least.

I realize everyone has life issues, and I know I certainly have my own, but how do you know when it's right to take a risk? How do you learn to put things aside and trust again?

Nostalgic

2006-11-22T13:52:00.000-08:00

I've seen this on other sites the last couple of days and thought it was something a little fun to do.

40 yrs ago - Not around yet.

35 yrs ago - 2 years old, and beginning to have minor memory imprints that would last a lifetime (crying in my crib, for example). My eldest brother got engaged that year too.

30 yrs ago - Started kindergarten and we took a road trip to Disneyland (my younger two brothers and I, with parents of course). I saw a tarantula in my cousin's front yard, beginning my spiral into arachnaphobia. Back then in Disneyland, they had those skycars that went through the Materhorn to the other side of the park and I can remember my brother getting in trouble for spitting on the people below.

25 yrs ago - Grade 6. My first niece was born. I was an Aunt for the second time. We put in our 'in-the-ground' pool, allowing me to become one of the most visited girls in my class.

20 yrs ago - Expo '86. The World came to Vancouver and my brother met Princess Di and The Pope. I met my first true love, who would be in my life for 10 years. That year, I thought my life was exactly as it was supposed to be. I expected fully to be married in the next couple years, as I graduated high school and planned to be a stay-at-home mom.

15 yrs ago - Status quo. Still with the expected 'one'. I became an aunt to my newest niece for the 8th and last time. I was just about to start my 'dream job' working at the police station. It would later prove to be the worst job ever (organizing autopsy photos?) but at that moment, I was thrilled with the prospect.

10 yrs ago - Was busily planning my wedding, when I found out that he had left the relationship long before. His extracurriculars had become less extra, and more intra. This was a hard, difficult time for me but ended up being the best thing that could have happened. I awoke and realized that I wanted different things out of life than I ever could have gotten had I continued on that path. This was also the year that I had major reconstructive surgery on my wrist. I underwent 6 months of intensive therapy to retrain myself on all the normal daily tasks (tying shoes, buttons, etc.). It left me with an 8" scar on my wrist/underarm, no feeling in my little finger and a better understanding of what disabled people face.

5 yrs ago - Found out that I had infertility issues the same time my niece found out she was pregnant with her first baby. Broke up with someone I deeply cared for, but realized we just couldn't make it work. I made a conscious decision to remain single for the rest of my life that year.

2 yrs ago - A chance meeting in Hawaii put me on a path of greater understanding of what military personnel go through and allowed me to meet people who became good friends. Began the journey of a military girlfriend. The chance meeting? Well, I learned that not everyone is as truthful as I try to be in my life, but in that, there was still much to be proud of. This was also the year that my niece had her second baby, a son.

1 yr ago - Working at a contract job and meeting a great group of people, who allowed me to break out of my shell and be a little less introverted. It gave me a big boost of confidence for which I will be forever grateful.

1 month ago - We were at my Dad's bedside as he recovered from a quintuple bypass. Again, a life changing experience that I'm still working through the ramifications of.

Yesterday - Working on the website for my 20th Class Reunion, and bringing up a lot of memories. Most good, though, surprisingly. I am struck by the amount of inspiring life stories of those I graduated with. I also spent yesterday talking to someone special, who I hope to be able to talk about here shortly.

Tomorrow - my niece is coming over with her little ones to work on Christmas decorations and go shopping. I almost told her not to when I realized it meant missing some good TV, but well, that's what we have PVR's for, right?

I'd love to hear some of yours. Leave a note in the comments if you decide to play.

Swimming

2006-11-21T13:27:00.000-08:00

Between the torrential rainstorms we've been hit with, reminding some people of the Typhoon we saw in 1963, and everything else, it has been a hectic week.

Vancouver is still under a boil-water advisory since the storm last Wednesday. Some friends of mine only got power back today. I was fortunate, only losing power briefly on the actual day of the storm.

Molly is improving. It does seem to be painful for her still, but each day is a minor improvement. She can now walk about 10 ft without sitting down. I should be able to wean her off the morphine by the end of the week.

The big news, however, is my Dad. On Sunday night, I drove him and my mom to my brother's house for dinner. The first time he'd been back there since the night of the heart attack. He has been extremely depressed of late, and it was hard to see him go through his recovery when he was clearly so down.

However, when we walked into that house, a light switch was turned on by two little children. Ms Thang fitted him with his very own tiara, and Little Dude put a beaded gold necklace over his head. No amount of support that we've given him came close to being a match for what those little ones did. Without prompting, I might add.

He smiled brighter than I've seen him in years.

Since then, he's been a different person. He's back. In every way.

Please Santa?

2006-11-20T11:37:00.000-08:00

Ms. Thang has discovered the beauty of Christmas. Well, at least the commercial side of it. She is under the impression that the Sears Wishbook is her own personal shopping list. We had to explain to her that Santa only has so much room in his sleigh, and that other boys and girls needed presents too.

But when she started asking for her most recent must have, we had our eyebrows raised.

'What would you like for Christmas?', we asked.

She looked up with her big blue eyes and said, 'A family.'

'A family? What do you mean a family? You have one?'

She looked puzzled. 'No,' she said. 'A REAL family. One that's ALL mine. One with a mommy and a daddy and other kids too'

Poor little Matchstick girl.

Turns out this is what she wants:

Another day, another drama

2006-11-16T16:49:00.000-08:00

Molly has decided to have her own little medical emergencies of late.

As mentioned on the weekend, she had a problem with her foot that required a few stitches and a minor procedure to cure an abcessed toe.

Cue to Monday night. I was petting her when I felt something on the base of her tail. It was a hard lump and did not at all feel like something normal. I brought her into the light and suffice to say, it was ready to go. It was infected, and what happened is not for gentle words. I'm glad I'm not a squeamish person, and proceeded to tend to her as best I could. The problem was, however, more than I could take care of on my own. I could feel something under the skin.

On Tuesday, she went to daycare which is held at her vet's office. I mentioned it to them and they said they would take a look during the day. She had no outward signs of distress at this point, and I was only being cautious.

When I picked her up Tuesday night, her tail was bent awkwardly. They had shaved the offending area and partially removed a cyst. I thought that she was holding her tail strangely because the sensation of air on what was normally heavily covered in fur was odd to her. As the night wore on, I jokingly told her to lay off the drama. I mean, we've all had bad haircuts from time to time.

Last night, I got home to something that was much much worse. To be honest, I thought she'd had a stroke during the day. Her tail was still in an awkward position, but she seemed to be unable to walk more than a step or two without falling. It broke my heart to see her try to walk, only to collapse and look up at me with big, brown eyes as if to say 'Why is this happening to me?'

I need to mention too, that this dog is not a whiner. She has shown an extraordinary amount of pain tolerance. When she was a pup, she was nearly torn apart by an aggressive dog and her toe left hanging. During the operation, she stocially held her paw out for the vet to sew up. If I hadn't seen that myself, I might have thought the vet was just being kind, but no. I assisted that night, rather than call in a nurse after hours and she was an angel.

The night got progressively worse. I truly thought the worst. She was showing signs of major discomfort and I was at a loss of how to help her. We both slept very little.

This morning, I called the vet as soon as they opened. I took the day from work as a personal day (I may not have a 2 legged kid, but I have a 4 legged one!) and brought her in as soon as I could.

The growth that was there on Sunday was definitely a cyst and Tuesday's procedure had merely angered it, for lack of a technical term. The swelling had mimicked a pinched nerve, and she was experiencing a sciatica-type spasm. This accounted for all her 'stroke' symptoms and her lameness. She had surgery this morning to remove it, relieve the pressure and has been placed on more antibiotics and Tramadol, which by all accounts is a powerful painkiller.

I gave her two when I got home. She was so out of it. If it wasn't so sad, it would have been funny. The best part though was she made the best model out in the leaves. I could pose her any which way I pleased. That never happens with this high spirited dog, so I couldn't help but take a few shots.

She's resting now and her eyes have cleared a bit. She goes back in on Saturday.

Accomplished

2006-11-13T20:44:00.000-08:00

The Christmas spirit hit me with a fury yesterday and I finally feel like I can face the holidays. I think it has a lot to do with the feeling that Dad is truly recovering now.

I started making Christmas cards today and have made 35 so far. I'd love to send some of these out to my blogging friends, so if you can let me know your address, I'd appreciate it!

It's been a busy weekend though. On Friday, I came home to a unhappy dog. She was walking - or at least attempting to - on three legs and was unable to put weight on her front paw. The paw was very swollem but no obvious signs of why. By Saturday it was worse, so we took a trip to the vets. She had an abcessed toe, poor thing. So shaving and a few stitches later, she's now recovering.

I also started working on our high school reunion website. Must say I'm pretty happy with it so far, but have yet to hear comments back from anyone. Such is life. I keep telling myself, if I build it, they will come. If you want to take a peak, here it is.

Yesterday, I spent the day over with the kids. We did a little posed shot of what she'd look like if she was looking for Santa. It's for an eventual project I hope to have finished by the holidays and Ms. Thang was quite happy to oblige. Of course, it's not the chimney that we grew up with but she didn't seem to mind. Santa is magic, right?

2006-11-10T23:09:00.000-08:00

Tribute to the Fallen Canadian Soldiers in Afghanistan

A must watch. We tend to think of our veterans as our elders. They are not. They are our brothers, our sisters, our peers. They are us.

Friday Quiz

2006-11-10T09:45:00.000-08:00

Neither American, nor have I visited any of the below areas, but interesting quiz nonetheless. Thanks, Shannon!

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
The West
The Inland North
The South
Philadelphia
Boston
North Central
The Northeast
What American accent do you have?

Remembrance Day

2006-11-10T09:04:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is November 11, Remembrance Day. A day to reflect and remember those who served for our country and to which we owe so much.

I think, though, as important as it is to remember those who served, we should also take pause for those that are serving right now. Our news media doesn't do nearly enough to remember the heroes that are being forged this very minute.

There is a petition out right now to honour the remaining heroes of WWI. We have 3 remaining veterans - aged between 105 and 106, who lobbyists would like to see a state funeral for. To give them the honour they truly deserve. If you'd like to read about it and add your name, please go here.

A post in honour of Remembrance/Veteran's Day that I thought particularly poignant is here. Please take a second and read it. The young man he speaks of here is such a strong soul and such a hero. It's so important to remember our young veterans as well as our older ones.

It is raining torrentially here again. My commute was nearly double the usual. I really don't understand how people get so flustered by raindrops. We live in a rainforest, for cripes sake! There were no accidents...it was just simply slow drivers seemingly intimidated by water.

Today is my friend's daughter's funeral. I chose in the end not to go. I sent a card and a donation to her foundation instead. They had asked everyone to wear pink to her service today, but I decided even though I wasn't going, to wear pink anyhow.

Also, today is the funeral for the person who had my job previously to me. He was just 36 and passed away Monday suddenly. I never knew the man, but he was spoken highly of here and of course, I have seen much of his legacy in this office that I now occupy. He left a wife and 6 year old daughter. Very sad.

In happier news, I bought tickets to Christina Aguilera for next March. I was fortunate to get Row 14 and am thrilled. I have been a fan of hers since the beginning. Her voice is, in my opinion, absolutely phenomenal. Even during her less than chaste phase, I always said it was just part of her growing up. That she would eventually get through that and come through as a major talent.

Locally, the news of Denise Richards having a hissy fit at our casino is causing quite a stir. When she threw the photographers' laptop off the balcony, she hit an 81 and a 90 year old lady. While they were not hurt seriously, I still have to wonder why there has been no public apology from the actress. Knowing my parents were pretty much in that exact spot the day before brings it home. Although my Mom's take is that the women that got hit probably won a bigger jackpot than they would have on any slot machine.

One Month

2006-11-08T10:17:00.000-08:00

As I was going along my day this morning, it suddenly struck me. It's one month today.

One month since my Dad's (and ours) life changed. One month since I held his hand on the side of the road as he tried to breathe, but went a colour I cannot describe. It was grey, but purple at the same time. I have told my family I never want to speak of what happened that night again, and for the most part, I don't but this is my space to decompress. Writing allows me that.

Since that night, I can't hear a siren without feeling my entire body clench. It's not a conscious reaction. It just happens. I am told that will go with time.

I still close my eyes at night and see the look of terror in my Mom's eyes as she sat in the driver's seat. When my Dad first felt the deepening heavyness enter his chest and he knew he had to pull over, he instructed my Mom to take him to the nearest hospital. He was very agitated, and made her get in the driver's seat while he walked around the other side of the car, clutching his chest the entire time. Thankfully, my Mom called me instead as she knew I wasn't far behind. Only 30 seconds as the cell phone would show.

I couldn't watch that night. When they took my Dad out of the car, he had to be physically lifted by several paramedics as the car was parked on the edge of a deep ditch and it was too dangerous to try to remove him by stretcher. I kept my focus on my Mom, who in the panic, was unable to breathe. That's when I called another paramedic over and asked him to also take care of her.

That left my Aunt in the backseat. As I've mentioned before, my Aunt has dementia. It is extremely frustrating and while I do understand she can't help herself, I have difficulty coping with it. She becomes extremely irritating with a high whiney voice, and often tries to make things about her. It's part of the disorder, and I understand that, but it was the last thing I could deal with. I checked to make sure she was physically ok, but I must admit I had difficulty consoling her when I was so focussed on my Dad.

After the ambulance left carrying my parents, I sat on the side of the road. I am somewhat embarassed to admit I was physically ill at that moment. The firemen were fantastic as they stayed with us, keeping the road blocked until my brother could arrive. He drove my parents car to the hospital, my older niece drove my Aunt and my younger niece drove me. I know I can be strong in crisis situations, and over the past month, have been proud of that fact. But at that particular moment, I was not strong at all.

Moving forward from that night to the next few sleepless days as he waited in the critical care unit, I went through many emotions. I barely slept. I barely ate. I felt that we would lose him at any moment.

When he was booked for the emergency bypass the following Monday, I knew it was extremely serious. The quickness of the surgery date was unheard of. A good friend of mine's father is going through similar issues and is highly critical, yet he was booked out 6 weeks! I knew that they had moved some mountains to get the date so quickly for my Dad. Instead of making me feel better though, it scared me even more. During that time, I was riding a tightrope of emotions. The gregarious cheerleader by day in front of my mom and the rest of the family, but once alone in my house, a complete mess. It was exhausting.

The day he had the surgery, we went into see him right after he came out of the operating room. He was cold to the touch. His colour was good, but he was not there. As we stood there with the sounds of the respirator and other life support keeping him alive, I heard a voice. I haven't mentioned this to anyone because it is so unbelievable. My Aunt Phyl - my Dad's sister said very clearly 'He's not going anywhere yet. He's got a long time to go.' That raspy, cigarette-soaked voice that I missed so much was as clear in my ear as it was right before she passed away in 2002. So clear in fact that I turned suddenly to look to where it came from, and startled my mother. I told her I was just looking around, but a peace filled me. I knew then that he would pull through.

Fast forward a month, and I am proud to report that he not only left the house yesterday for a much needed haircut, but also felt the strength to stop by the casino on the way home. My Dad loves the casino and it was a large milestone for him to know himself that he will be ok.

Thanks for everything this past month. It has been so full of extremes. Highs and lows. Friends I didn't realize I had, and friends that maybe weren't really there for me to begin with. It has been a bit of a tree-shaking, priority-organizing time. Sometime the world has to change to help you know what is truly important.

Something Lighter

2006-11-08T08:29:00.000-08:00

1. FIRST NAME? Susan
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No, but my middle name Jo Anne is after my Aunt
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? On the weekend, after hearing that an old friend of mine lost her 5-year old daughter to cancer.
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Sometimes, but I have to be in the right frame of mind or it's very messy.
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? procuitto (I hope I spelled that right!)
6. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Nope. But I have enough nieces and nephews to keep me very busy.
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I hope so
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yes. One here, but also a private one as well.
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Yes. Although I usually reserve it to those who appreciate it.
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes I do
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Can't see it happening. The height thing is a little too much for me.
12. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No. Which accounts for some well worn heels in my runners.
13. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically, not at all, but emotionally, I think I have that covered.
14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR? Caramel. There is also a Haagen-Daz bar that's almond-chocolate covered with caramel inside that's to die for!
15. SHOE SIZE? 8
16. RED OR PINK? A little of both, but I prefer red.
17. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Feet
18. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My cousin, Lani. She was my kindred spirit and as close to a sister as I've ever known. She's been gone 9 years, but I keep her close to me and miss her every day.
19. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Richmond, BC 1969
20. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? No pants. I'm at work in a brindle-coloured skirt and top. Cute tan shoes though...they're 9-west, Mary-Janes that I got from EBay a few months ago.
21. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A hotdog from 7-11 last night. Ech!
22. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? One of my colleagues negotiating with a vendor in the next room.
23. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? Magenta
24. FAVOURITE SMELL? Fresh bread or cookies.
25. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED WITH ON THE PHONE? Christi
26. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU MEET? Their eyes
27. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I'd like to think so, but then again, I'm my own worst critic.
28. FAVOURITE DRINK? Coke or Almond Chai Latte
29. FAVOURITE SPORT? Hockey or Lacrosse
30. HAIR COLOUR? Caramel with copper highlights
31. EYE COLOUR? Hazel
32. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Can't as they cause me migraines
33. FAVOURITE FOOD? Fresh sushi, or seared ahi tuna
34. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy ending
35. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The Motorcycle Diaries. A fantastic movie that made me buy a book on the life of Che Guevara
36. WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Brindle.
37. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer, definititely - although Fall has it's perks.
38. HUGS OR KISSES? Can't remember.
39. FAVOURITE DESSERT? White chocolate bread pudding with brandy sauce
40. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? "A Blade of Grass" - the story of a white woman and a black woman's friendship during Apartheid and war. It's kept me up to midnight the last two nights!
41. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? A vendor's website
42. FAVOURITE SOUNDS? Baby giggles
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles
44. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? South Africa or Australia. Both were pretty far!
45. IF YOU COULD PICK ANY TWO PEOPLE TO HAVE DINNER WITH, WHO WOULD THEY BE? Marianne Pearl and Katherine Hepburn

White Rabbit

2006-11-07T09:40:00.000-08:00

I had no idea that it wasn't a common little superstition that I mentioned the other day. My Mom started me on it as a little girl, just as she was taught as well. The theory is, at least in my family, that if you say 'White Rabbits!' three times as the first words you speak on the morning of the first of the month, the month will be full of good luck. It sounds easy, but it's not. Most times, I find myself talking to the dog before I remember what day it is.

This month though, I decided it was worth really trying to remember as October is a month of bad luck I'd rather not repeat.

I did a little research and there's a longer explanation of the superstition here.

My Dad is slowly improving, but the most difficult part is the emotion of it all. It is hard for him to accept the changes he's facing and he is often frustrated and angry. We just try to support him as best possible and like I said to him last night, we need to focus on improvements on a weekly basis rather than a daily basis.

My Mom fell on Sunday and hurt her ankle bad enough that she's needing a cane to get around. I tried to talk her into going to the hospital to have it x-rayed but she has refused so far. She doesn't want to leave Dad long enough to do that, and I think too, she's afraid of having to go to the hospital in general. She's managing slowly, and that's good, I guess.

I heard a terrible thing on the weekend that has made me feel very down. A girl I went to highschool with lost her daughter to brain cancer on Halloween. Her little girl was just 5! I read her blog over the weekend, and while I won't link it here out of respect for her privacy, it made me deeply sad to hear how much hope they had been holding out for her right until the end. On the day before her passing, they spoke of taking her to a neighbouring town on a holiday as soon as she got a little stronger. Once she started to slip though, she went very quickly. I can't fathom what it must have been for them to go through. Her mother was always such a warm and friendly person, and while I haven't kept in contact with her and haven't even seen her in a decade, my heart breaks for them. I have been asked to go to the services on Friday but have yet to make up my mind there. As I haven't kept in touch, I don't know that I have a place there and don't want to intrude. I will, however, be sending a card and a letter.

Other than that, it's been busy again with planning for the high school reunion, and general duties I'd been neglecting for the past few weeks. Things do feel, however, that they're looking up. I don't know exactly why, but they do and I'm going to go with that.

November begins

2006-11-03T10:47:00.000-08:00

I am still drawn to the idea of NaNoWriMo. It's not going to happen this year for me, but doing it last year was a great acheivement for me. It proved that, when I put my mind to it, I can write. One of my biggest failures is thinking things through too much. I keep telling myself that 'one day I will write that book...' and then using a myriad of excuses like wanting to learn more about writing itself.

So to those of you taking up the NaNo challenge this month, I salute you. I will be writing as well, but just not monitoring my word counts to the same degree.

Halloween unfortunately didn't work out as well as I'd hoped. Here in Vancouver, we have atrocious traffic at the best of times. And lately, this has not been the best of times. There is one bridge being worked on in preparation for the Olympics 2010, which means at least 1/3 of commuters are forced to find alternate routes. My route, in particular, apparently.

I left work early on the 31st as I needed to drop my car off to be fixed from the car accident. I should have been at the collision repair shop by 4:30 but with choking, bottlenecked traffic, I didn't arrive until 5:15. By the time, I had it sorted out, was taken to the rental car depot and got home, it was 7pm. Imagine what should have been a 1 hour commute was over 3. I was not a happy camper. I tried to hand out a few candies but my head was pounding and I'd missed the bulk of the young ones, so I grinched. I went in, turned off the lights and crashed on the couch. Oh, and ate chocolate. Lots of chocolate. Not entirely happy with the events but such is life. November will be much better.

I remembered to say 'White Rabbit!' when I woke up the next morning. Ingrained from my mother since childhood, it's one superstition I do try to follow. I rarely remember though. The first words uttered on the morning of the 1st of the month...it's hard to remember when you first wake up. So having remembered this month, let's hope it will be better.

I've been able to read a couple of books this week and have thoroughly enjoyed both of them. 'Water for Elephants' by Sarah Gruen. If you haven't read this one, PLEASE make it your next read. It is engrossing, involving and thoroughly enchanting. The story of a depression-era circus and it's characters. I have about 50 pages left and I am pretty sure I know how it ends but so far, it has been so engaging it's all I can do not to read it at work!

'For One More Day' by Mitch Albom. I think I'll leave this to a post on it's own, but again, a very good and QUICK read. I read it in one evening. Especially heartwarming considering the last month. Everyone wants that one more day with a passed loved one, don't they?

I also read 'Time Traveller's Wife' last month. Mostly during the times waiting the hospital. Again, another book that should be read if you have the chance. Although I must admit I did get a little mixed up with the continuity, but that could have been my mood at the time. An incredible love story.

All Hallow's Eve

2006-10-31T10:17:00.000-08:00

A little picture from a few years ago. Ms Thang was a little unsure of her new friend!

Thanks again for the well wishes. I seem to be emerging from the other side of things. I basically became a hermit for the last few days, only leaving home on Saturday night to spend a few hours with some good friends. It helped a lot, and I needed that downtime.

Of course, that means now all the anti-stress is taking it's toll now. I look like a pubescent teenager as my skin has decided to do it's impression of Mt. Vesuvius. I am not a big makeup wearer at the best of times, but the stuff is caked on the last couple days. And for fun, I'm also dealing with a little Crohn's moment and migraines. All usual signs that I'm under stress, but I don't know when I've had all three at once. Makes for some very interesting drives.

Tonight is Hallowe'en. I love sitting out front of my house handing out candies to the kids. Usually, I grab a lawn chair and just stay out front chatting. It's a great community feeling, but tonight we will see. It depends on how quickly I can get home (after having to drop my car at the shop for repairs) and how festive I'm feeling when I get there.

Also, it is Samhain. Being the belief gypsy that I am, I like to spend some quiet reflective time thinking of friends and family who've departed this world during the past year. We've been fortunate this year and not too many have left us. My cousin passed in February, and he's left a big void in our lives but we know he no longer suffers in a body broken by ALS. My Mom's best friend left us in August. She'd had cancer and it was a blessing when she was finally released from her pain. And of course, recently, my neighbour. She also had cancer, and fought valiantly until the end when she slipped away gracefully and in the most peaceful way we could have hoped for - with her husband's arms around her. I would be remiss if I didn't mention Bailey, my brother's pup who passed away in February. She was a beautiful spirit and she, too, is missed every day. Instead of being sad about these losses, I see them as a way to remember and celebrate having them in my life for the time I was fortunate to know them.

And with that, it's time to get back to work here.

He's Home

2006-10-26T16:02:00.000-07:00

Dad came home today, with a cool half a grand worth of medications and an even bigger smile.

The exhaustion is setting in now. I can't even describe what I'm feeling except to say, as thrilled as I am that Dad survived and has returned home, I am feeling years older than I did just a couple weeks ago.

Thank you so much. Everyone who has kept up with me through this whole time, and even in their own troubles, found time to lend a kind shoulder to me. I am truly honoured and touched.

I have been remiss in keeping up with my friends too, but that should hopefully change as I catch my breath in the next few days.

In the meantime, it's Thursday. That means Coach Potato night. Greys Anatomy, Survivor, CSI, ER. I shall savour the chance to relax on the couch with a vengance.

Plunking Along

2006-10-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

I visited with my insurance company yesterday and was surprised to hear the damage was approximately $1500 to my car. Thankfully, it has been deemed 100% the other person's fault. While I had no doubt in my mind, it was still not up to me to decide that. Unfortunately, the lady that managed to create this whole mess is not happy with me. She didn't want me to make a claim on insurance and to go privately. However, considering the cost of the repairs and the need for me to have a rental vehicle, it was not an option. Let's just hope that after they explained that to her, she will now stop calling and leaving nasty messages on my answering machine. Like I need THAT stress!! After the call this morning though, I told her quite bluntly that I will be speaking to the police if she continues. Let's hope she got the message.

It's all good though. Initials aches and bruises dissipated and there was no lasting physical injury. My Mom's nerves are shot so she's having nightmares of being in car accidents though. Hopefully that will also go soon.

Now, my Dad. Another day, another complication. The infection in his chest wall is not subsiding yet so more potent antibiotics were ordered. He is now experiencing shortness of breath. We are told this is a 'normal' complication. Typically, he would have been out of the hospital today but with these delays, it now looks like the weekend before we'll see him home.

There are also a couple beds on the floor he's on that contracted the Superbug. They are taking precautions to ensure the outbreak doesn't spread but we are very aware of the fact that, while he needs to be in a hospital, it will be much better for healing when he's out.

I returned to work yesterday. It's tough to be here but I know getting back into some sort of routine is important for everyone's sanity.

With that, I'll end with a picture from the weekend. Apparently, Ms. Thang didn't take too kindly to a little kiss from her brother!

Just for fun...

2006-10-20T19:33:00.000-07:00

On the drive home yesterday from the hospital, we decided to stop off at our friendly neighbourhood Costco to pick up some pictures.

As I was turning into the disabled parking spot (my Mom has the pass as she can't walk far), we were hit HARD from the side. Some lady decided it was more important to talk to her friends than look in her rear view mirror before reversing. As far as accidents go, it's minor. My passenger door is pushed in and scrapes are all down my back quarterpanel.

I was turning so for some reason, my forearm is very sore. I think I may have sprained it. Stupid, really, considering the low speed of the collision but almost immediately I had a strong sharp pain up my arm. Damn!

My Mom somehow bruised her knee. We can't figure out for the life of us how, but it is definitely bruised.

The lady? 'Oh, I'm so sorry...my mind was elsewhere and I was talking to my friend who's here out of town'. Whatever, lady. I told her we were just on the way home from the hospital and that this was exactly the stress we did not need. I was very shaken though.

As my Mom later said, 'If it weren't for bad luck, we'd have no luck'. I got a case of the giggles for some strange reason.

Updates for my Dad though are mixed. The good news is really good. The delirium has subsided, and he also knows he was all mixed up. His heart rate has regulated and his blood pressure has stablized. All very great improvements that we are pleased with.

Unfortuantely, a few more dips though. Through this whole situation, his Type 2 Diabetes is causing issues. Right now, his insulin is all over the map and not at all regulated - even though he is on several medications to try and control it. Today, we began sessions on how to test blood and administer insulin.

As well, the wound in his chest is showing signs of infection. It's minor right now so a dose of IV antibiotics was ordered to be on the safe side. Let's just hope they caught it quickly.

He's very grumpy today. I see that as a good sign. Grumpy is fighting...his spirit is coming back.

Tomorrow, my brother will take my Mom. This will be the first day in 13 that I haven't driven her. I am needing a break badly, but part of me feels out of sorts because I want to be there too. However, given the fact that I have begun bursting into tears at the slightest thing, I think I need a forced day off. So tomorrow, Mom will go to the hospital and I will join the my niece and the kids at the Pumpkin Patch.

P.O.D.

2006-10-18T21:53:00.000-07:00

I wish I meant "Proof of Delivery" or even 'P*d off' but unfortuntately, I don't.

Today has been a very long day. We started off with a phonecall early this morning asking us to get to the hospital right away. My Dad was agitated and not sure where he was.

We rushed to the hospital, which is still a good half an hour away to find my Dad very confused. He had no idea where he was. In fact, he thought he was at a dentist office. He knew he had to get to the hospital but they wouldn't let him out of the dentist chair.

As we sat with him, he seemed to focus more. Well, in and out. At times, very lucid and aware and others, completely out of it. The worst was when he was in between and knowing that he wasn't in his full faculties. 'I'm losing my mind', he'd cry.

Apparently, 30% of open heart surgery patients go through a Post-Operative Delirium. It comes from a mix of medications, lack of sleep and the trauma of the surgery itself.

I wish we'd known this before today, as it would have at least given us an idea to expect it.

He was convinced that there were seagulls outside of his window (there weren't), that my Mom had vivid blue hair (she may be grey but no blue rinse by any means!) and that she had worn dirty clothes. In fact, he kept trying to brush the dirt off her clothes where there was none.

To me, he asked why I'd left school early and if my teachers knew. Hell, I haven't been in school for 2 decades!

He'd then seem to focus and wonder what all the fuss was about.

There's another complication as well. His heart is just not regulating properly. He is averaging 140-150 bpm (should be 80) and his blood pressure is very low. This is difficult because the meds they would normally give him to lower his heartrate cannot be administered because of the low bp.

Also, during this stint, he has been diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. It has likely been going on for some time but was unknown as he hadn't been to the doctor in years. We are now getting a crash course on checking his blood levels.

We stayed at the hospital for 10 hours today. Scared to leave, lest he lose his grasp on the slim reality he has. But finally, this evening, my brother came and pushed us out to go home. I thought he was talking to my Mom when he said "You look a wreck. You need to go home and rest or you won't be help to anyone'. That's when I looked beside me and realized my Mom was in the other room. Apparently, I really am exhausted.

I have to be positive though. This is just a standard complication of major surgery. He is in good hands and we just must be patient while his body heals.

And...breathe

2006-10-16T22:40:00.000-07:00

Thanks yet again for all your good wishes, prayers and support. It would seem things have turned a corner.

My Dad had quintuple bypass surgery this morning. Once the surgeon was able to get into the heart, he found another blocked passage and had to do an extra bypass than was originally anticipated. However, everything has gone remarkably well. Dad is off the breathing tube tonight, and was able to speak briefly to my Mom on the phone this evening.

He is improving hourly right now, and is a better colour than I've seen him in years.

We still have a few hurdles to get through, but I believe we're now on the upward trend rather than the down.

I was extremely fortunate to have very understanding employers. I have been given a Leave of Absence until such time as I feel able to return. Hopefully, that will be next Monday.

Tonight, the relief has given way to exhaustion. I thought I was exhausted last week, but that has nothing on what I'm feeling now. He's through the tough part and now it's just about healing and recouperating.

Thanks again...it has meant a lot to know my friends were so supportive.

Surgery Today

2006-10-16T06:28:00.000-07:00

My Dad will undergo quadruple bypass surgery this morning. Actually, as I'm typing this, he should be on his way to the preparation now.

I will be going into work first to request a leave of absence. Let's just hope they're compassionate, but either way, I will be there this afternoon when my Dad comes out of surgery.

He will be in ICU for the next two days with a breathing tube. We've been thoroughly prepared by both the doctors and the nurses. Everyone has been fantastic. Now we just have to get through it.

More when I know more.

Quad

2006-10-13T09:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was very very long. We were told he would be returned to the hospital from the other hospital at 5:30. I picked up my Mom at 4:15, but we still hit horrendous traffic and didn't arrive at the hospital until nearly 6.

I guess it's thankful, then, that there were no ambulances to bring him back so we hadn't missed him. Unfortunately though, that trend continued and the poor, tired, hungry man didn't arrive until 9:30.

Of course by that time, there were no doctors to talk to but again, the nurses came through. The news is not good, but repairable. He will need a quadruple bypass in the coming days. Two arteries are at 100% and two are at 70%. It is truly a miracle that he survived at all.

Last night, he was good. Absolutely exhausted and scared, but his regular self. It helped greatly.
I also had a talk with my brother. I told him I was considering quitting and he told me I was definitely thinking too drastically. 'You have brothers, Sue', he said, 'Let us do something too.'. So while I've been taking a big load this week, a lot of it apparently has been self-directed.

I will take today again - thank god for Red Bull. Tomorrow, I am trying to make plans for lunch with a friend to take a breather in neutral territory. And will return to work on Monday. Just taking one step at a time...it's all a lot to take in.

Angiogram

2006-10-12T15:48:00.000-07:00

My Dad had his angiogram today. It was not good news. He will need an emergency bypass very soon.

My Mom's health is starting to worsen. Her emphysema and this stress has not been good. I've had to get her on oxygen these last couple days, something that we don't usually require until she has a cold or something.

We have a lot of decisions to make. I am on compassionate leave this week from work but I'm still so new there (5 months), I can't expect that to continue for much longer. So I am contemplating quitting. I don't know if that's drastic because I'm being overly emotional or not though. Have to take a deep breath on that one and try and think it through.

We're off to the hospital now to meet with the cardiologist. Wish us luck, please? I'm hoping things just sound bad right now and when we see this specialist, it will all sound a lot better.

I'm not usually so emotional, but today, I just can't stop the waterworks.

Something Completely Different

2006-10-12T09:48:00.000-07:00

I'm a Lotus Elise!

You believe in maximum performance and minimum baggage. You like to travel light and fast, hit the corners hard, and dance like there's no tomorrow.

Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

Exhaustion

2006-10-11T22:34:00.000-07:00

You never really know how big your family is until you've just spent several hours speaking to each brother, each sister-in-law, each niece and nephew...not to mention the cousins. No one wants to bother my Mom, or upset her more so they call me. I don't think I have any voice left and I am utterly exhausted.

First, the good. He is scheduled for his angiogram tomorrow. The ambulance is booked for 8:30 and will take him to the other hospital an hour away. We are not to go with him, and will need to wait until he is back at the current hospital. If they need to do surgery, they will do it right there but will let us know. In some respects, this is good news. My Mom is cracking right now and I must admit I'm dragging. Tomorrow is a forced morning of relaxation and reloading. He is in good hands and we just must let them do their job.

The bad? Holy hell, that man can be a cantankerous, ornery old fool. He was quite out of it this morning and didn't seem to know if we were there. Eventually he woke up enough to get out of bed, go into the bathroom and brush his hair. We were so relieved to see him upright and it did Mom and I a world of good.

We went home for an hour or so in the afternoon. The hospital is 45 minutes away so that 90 minute round trip is tiring. When we came back, Grumpy Old Man was in his place. He didn't remember us being there earlier, and accused us of forgetting him in the hospital. Then, when I tried to explain the timing of our visits, he insisted it was 5:30am (why would we BE there at that time?). Further attempts at explaining got an ornery response of "I'm the one in this g.d. bed, I know what time it is." Asking what he had for dinner? The response "Catsh*t". This is a man who won't say damn without apologizing for his language.

He is taking his cigarette withdrawl out on my Mom. He accused her of conspiring against him and other very foul things. She was brought to tears. Then he said, "Doesn't matter what you do...I'll get out and get them myself. I've done it before, I'll do it again". Keeping in mind that they are keeping him very medicated and he's not really able to move, we thought he was just confused again.

I pulled the nurse aside and talked to her. That damned man got out of bed this morning, argued with the nurse then signed himself out AMA. He got down 4 stories in the elevator, walked approximately 500 feet to buy a cigarette off anyone who would sell him one. I was FURIOUS! I realize the nurses can only do so much...the man is an adult and they can't restrain him.

We could, she explained, bring his cigarettes back in. However, I have refused. If he wants them, he's going to have to do it himself. I am not about to make it easy on him. I am more than sympathetic to the pains of withdrawl, but he is offered every chance right now of making it easier. When else can you go through this while sedated to ease the effects?

So I said to him, 'How DARE you? You are putting Mom and I and this entire family through hell. We are trying to HELP you! Take it, you old fool.' I still can't believe I spoke to my father like that but I was so angry. He just glared at me. I reminded myself that I wasn't talking to the man that is my father. I was talking to an addiction.

He was just so mean to my mother, though. 55 years together, and I've never heard him utter a cross word. She was in tears.

I did make her laugh though. The visual of my 74 year old father, going in stocking feet (he has no slippers) and a hospital gown, with unshaven face and uncombed hair....bumming smokes from the passerby. What a sight! Silly man!!!

The nurses have been excellent though. They have been tireless in supporting us, as well as caring for him.

Tonight, however, I've gotten home and I am utterly exhausted. I feel like I'm still driving even though I'm just sitting in my chair. So I am going to crash. We still have a long way to go, but for now, it's a bit of a respite while we allow others to take care of things.

Purgatory

2006-10-11T09:38:00.000-07:00

Right now, we are caught between the land of knowing what we are dealing with and not.

It all hinges on the angiogram, which as yet hasn't been scheduled. There are only two facilities in the lower mainland of Vancouver that can perform this, and you can just imagine how booked they are.

My Dad seemed almost giddy yesterday. The nurses said it was a survival mechanism. Making silly jokes in an adrenalin-rush of realization that he's still here. But that was short lived. By afternoon, he was cantankerous and angry. No salt in his food. No cigarettes to be had.

Right now, his heart is so unstable and each time he sits up, the mere exertion of being upright causes his heart to spasm. Until the angiogram, nothing will change.

So last night the decision was made to keep him sedated for the next little while. Just so the anxiety doesn't cause undue stress on the heart.

My Mom seems to have moments of calmness. I made an appointment yesterday with her doctor to discuss her needs. I figured it would be best to have a good idea of what I need to watch for with her, and I was right. The doctor was great...she wrote out everything that was needed and gave me a good feeling of what we need to keep on top of. Of course, I feel more like a mom now than ever...'Have you taken your medicine?' She doesn't seem to mind though.

I'm not working. An attempt of going into work yesterday resulted in me being sent home. I am on compassionate leave. I don't know if I have a job at the end of this (my boss was very phoney with his words of kindness and apparently has been ranting all day yesterday in my absence), but I just can't worry about that right now. My place is here. I thought yesterday, what will I remember in 5 years? That I was working, or that I was with my Dad and Mom. The answer is obvious.

Continuing On

2006-10-10T06:16:00.000-07:00

It's funny...I usually find writing as a great way to relieve stress and tension but right now the words just don't want to come.

It's been another challenging 24 hours. My Dad was moved to another hospital yesterday when test showed he had a 'significant' event. It is the best Cardiac CCU in the area, which is the good thing. The bad? It is a VERY rough area of town and I have seen more, shall we say, less fortunate souls in the last 24 hours than I care to remember. It's also a 40 minute drive from here so that makes it a bit difficult.

My Dad is conscious but confused. He doesn't seem to have a great idea of where he is. Not all the time, but seems to go through these spurts. His heart rate is very elevated, and even the simple exertion of sitting up is too much right now.

My Mom is very shaky. Even without her health problems, this would be hard on her but having those make it worse. I have felt like I'm mothering her.."Have you taken your medicine?", "Have you eaten?" 55 years married, it is not easy for her to be apart from him.

The nurses are excellent. They have been kind and considerate, explaining as much as they know. All they know right now is that he has definitely had a severe heart attack. More tests will show how severe, and he will be scheduled for an angiogram this week. Bad choice of words though. The nurse was explaining the angiogram and said 'We'll see where the blockages are and if we can, we will open him up right there'. My Mom just paled at that.

My family...wow, what can I say? They are pulling together. All 4 of my brothers have been in touch and my youngest brother will go see my Dad today. That's a big deal..they haven't seen each other in 2 years. Both are stubborn men, actually very alike to each other and had a falling out. Maybe this is the scare they've needed.

I have to go to work. It's not what I want to do, but I don't see an option. I am covering for another girl who's away. And I'm still too new. I'm hoping when I talk to them this morning they will be lenient.

Thanks for your prayers and well wishes. It is much appreciated.

Not a Good Turkey Day

2006-10-09T00:25:00.000-07:00

So our turkey day didn't go so well. My Dad is in the hospital. =
He had been having indigestion and chest pain all day but of course, being a stubborn old man didn't mention it to anyone. At dinner tonight at my brother's, he got up from the table saying he wasn't feeling well.

My brother went to talk to him and was worried (cop brothers don't get worried to easily so that was not a good feeling). He asked my Dad if he could take him to the hospital. My Dad told everyone to stop worrying so much.

Soon after, they left to drive home. It's a 45 minute drive. I said I'd follow, but my Dad - again being stubborn - said no. I did anyway. Thank God.

About 15 minutes into the drive, I got a frantic call from my Mom saying they were on the side of the road and my Dad was only semi-conscious and throwing up. I said I'd be there in about 2-3 minutes and called 911.

The ambulance arrived, along with the firemen. They were fantastic, and arrived very quickly. Although frankly, I never want to be on the side of a farm road again being the center of attention like that again. They took my Dad and Mom to the hospital.

At this point, it does look like my Dad has had some sort of cardiac incident but being the long weekend and short on diagnostic staff, we will not know more right away. He responded very quickly to the nitro and oxygen. He even had a bit of humour after a little bit. (Mostly to tease me about my stomach deciding to leave me rather abruptly in the aftermath).

They sent my Mom and I home. There's not a lot more that can be done right now and he's stable for now. My Mom didn't want the company so I'm at my house now. I am very scared though. I don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight.

Any spare vibes right about now would be greatly appreciated.

Update: He has now been moved to a Cardiac Critical Care Unit at another hospital. The initial results are indicating heart damage but we will know more over the next little while. My Mom is not taking it well, and is having some breathing problems related to the stress. 55 years together...it's a little hard on both of them.