The beginning of new relationship is always full of extremes. It takes you out of your comfort zone and makes you see everything in a slightly different view.

I had forgotten the butterflies and the intoxicating adrenalin rush that accompanies each movement, each thought, each and every moment. I had also forgotten that the with every butterfly and every surge of adrenalin, there is a moment that you hang off the edge of a cliff with intrepidation that this could not be actually happening, and if it is, it may lead to danger.

My romantic life has been stifled over the years. I've learned through some painful lessons not to rely on others actions for my own happiness. I've accepted being on my own to a point that letting anyone come close is a challenge. Not friendship, mind you, as I have absolultely fantastic friends that I would trust to the ends of the earth but I find it difficult to imagine myself as a true couple.

Hence, my romantic entanglements during this Millenium have been from outside of my locality, or even the hemisphere for that matter. England, South Africa and the US. I could control the reaction. I had someone who would call me and for a few minutes on the phone, or through email, I could pretend I had someone in my life. But it didn't involve me changing my lifestyle, or really even being all that close. It was like playing dress-up. I'd hang up the phone, and while I would still think about that person, I'd go on with my own life and got very adapt at being me.

Now I find myself at the edge of a new adventure. Not long distance, but the polar opposite. He sits 15 feet away from my desk Monday to Friday. For the past 8 months, we have played this game of pretending that there was mere friendship between us. I would tell myself I couldn't get involved with a coworker. He would tell himself that he wasn't relationship material.

At the Christmas party, we realized there was more. Since December 9, we spent every extra moment with each other or talking on the phone. As friends, mind you. Nothing more. We spoke of our past failures, our past loves. We became closer and closer without realizing it. Then one night, we found ourselves in a hotel room after the jazz clubs closed sitting on opposite beds and realizing we had become more intimate emotionally than we ever expected.

At that point, the elastic band snapped. We can't, we told each other. We can't risk our friendship. We can't be any more than friends. Yet, we both knew we were fooling each other. He wanted me to meet his family, and when I did last weekend, not only did I feel a strong connection, the littlest niece called me "Auntie", which freaked everyone out.

The elastic band pulled tighter. More concern that we had to cool it and go back to our friendship, or less. We both were getting terrified. We were both analyzing everything. We avoided each other as much as possible all week.

Then the elastic band snapped, and flipped back. Sometimes the closest friendships are the best starts. We crossed into new territory Thursday, and I don't walk alone anymore. We have decided to try this together, one step at a time. He has my head swimming, and apparently the feeling is mutual. The coworker part is intimidating, but with a level of professionalism, we can work through it.

"Why couldn't you have been some ditzy temp that didn't understand my jokes, damn you?", he laughed.

Just typing this post gets my head racing forward to the thought of hurt and a little demon says "You've jinxed it". I hope I'm wrong. I cannot in recent memory remember being quite as happy as I am right at this very moment.